When I look at the state of public education today, and then I look at the way it used to be, I die a little. Changing American culture--is this the only way out? If that is the case, we can only remain pessimists. The entire world is trapped in a cycle that is heading into a pitfall of educational and societal poverty. We need a revolution.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
revolt
"(Many students have) either been told or insinuated college was unattainable because of their ethnicity or economic status. Teachers can only do so much. Change media and pop culture, to reflect education as a positive."
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
awakening
"I am sure all of heaven's heard me cry as I tell You all the reasons why this life is just too hard. But day by day without fail, I'm finding everything I need and everything that You are to me..." "Every Time I Breathe" - Big Daddy Weave
"The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41b, Mark 14:38b
Every time I find I am always scared, afraid to embrace it wholly. He speaks of freedom and of security and of life in Him. And every time I approach it, I hesitate; I can't believe it's real. I'm too closed up to let Him in. There are so many paradoxes in the things people tell me about Him that I leave each moment with doubt in my heart and satan's whispers a little too close to my ear.
I can sing worship songs, give you praise, do good things.. Do these mean anything, God? If I still can't admit the truth and be honest with myself? If I don't let myself be loved?
"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say 'no' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." Titus 2:11-12
At the end of the day, I'm still getting caught in my own traps because my lies are still louder than God's truths. I am not taught. I am not upright. What will it take to pull me up, God? What will it take to make You scream at me, yell at me, throw me around, so that I can finally understand?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
blessed
What I love about my life group leader is that he really knows how to console people. His words never equate to “you are the problem..your problems are what cause more problems.” Instead, he tells you, “This is you. This is the problem. You are stronger than it will ever be.” (Even though the first quote is often true, he will never say it. He knows it will not really motivate you at this point. Then he jokes about life and my cooking. Everybody has problems, you know.)
I’m so thankful.
I’m so thankful.
(from ccxlia.tumblr.com)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
cinder
When you received your key for ignition
I smoldered and left
To think of one who'd regret -
not I; but you were correct
when you said:
Fan fire into flame.
But fire is greater than a single flame.
Unaffected yet, you stayed the same,
unchanged, until
you lost your keys and withered and wept
Yet still did not turn
me in, instead.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
after everything
As the smoke clears, I awaken and entangle you from me. Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed? All my windows still are broken, but I'm standing on my feet. -Demi Lovato, "Skyscraper"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
i need a sleuth, not a spectator
When I was younger, I read quite an amount of books and watched a lot of (usually indie) films about mentally unstable people. Sometimes I did this while pretending I was actually holed up in a treehouse instead of on a squeaky leather couch. The movies sometimes got a little too crazy but the books always left me feeling empty, because I became obsessed with wanting to friend the crazy protagonist, as God knows my real friends were too normal to pay much understanding to me (I still feel that way sometimes though I'm now therapy-free).
Independence Day came and left. I wonder why we've reduced holiday celebrations to days off and fireworks and lots of barbequed food. Or repetitive songs and pretty lights and lots of baked food. Or just simply a lot of food. (With plenty of leftovers). And I don't even know what Labor Day is for anymore.
***
I have a lot of bottled-up fears. One day I will stick them in a real bottle and watch them float across the Atlantic Ocean. Then people in Europe or Africa will find them and uncover my fingerprints and travel to America just to cradle me and tell me I'm stronger than these fears. Unless my bottles fail and someone in America finds them and tosses them away. (I'm sorry.) Americans are just not as romantic in my head.***
Independence Day came and left. I wonder why we've reduced holiday celebrations to days off and fireworks and lots of barbequed food. Or repetitive songs and pretty lights and lots of baked food. Or just simply a lot of food. (With plenty of leftovers). And I don't even know what Labor Day is for anymore.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
to you
"During the Great Proletariat Cultural Revolution (1966-76, implemented by Mao Zedong), all traditional religious were destroyed, and many Chinese became atheist. A requirement of joining the Chinese Communist Party is that members cannot be religious."
I'm studying for my Polsci 339 class "China's Evolution Under Communism" exam, and this makes me really sad. This reminds me of home--Shanghai, China. I grew up there under the care of my maternal grandparents. My grandpa used to be in a variety of local government positions and still proudly speaks at the occasional event; I see his pictures in the newspaper every time I visit. He rides his bike every morning to go out with his friends and comes home bringing random snacks for me and my cousin, who stays at my grandparents' during the summer. He really knows how to lead a family, how to speak for his people, how to discipline and how to give.
One thing I always remember about visiting is that my grandpa really likes to wear this blue dress shirt of his with a CCP badge hanging from it. He and my grandma are really proud to be part of the CCP. And my cousin, who is two years younger than me, was an aspiring youth member the last time I talked to her. You can see the love they have for their country and for the party, because it floods out of their enthusiasm with everything party-related they do. While I'm no socialist myself, I grew up under my grandparents' wings, and they have remained my biggest role models. Their love means truckloads to me. Their support is the greatest.
"A requirement of joining the Chinese Communist Party is that members cannot be religious."
"The CCP is the world's largest political party, with 80 million members."
But how can I minister to them? How can anyone minister to any of them?
God, I want to see your heart. All the room you made for your lost people. I want to see it filled.
We speak to nations, be open
We speak to nations, fall on your knees
We speak to nations, the kingdom is coming near to you.
I'm studying for my Polsci 339 class "China's Evolution Under Communism" exam, and this makes me really sad. This reminds me of home--Shanghai, China. I grew up there under the care of my maternal grandparents. My grandpa used to be in a variety of local government positions and still proudly speaks at the occasional event; I see his pictures in the newspaper every time I visit. He rides his bike every morning to go out with his friends and comes home bringing random snacks for me and my cousin, who stays at my grandparents' during the summer. He really knows how to lead a family, how to speak for his people, how to discipline and how to give.
One thing I always remember about visiting is that my grandpa really likes to wear this blue dress shirt of his with a CCP badge hanging from it. He and my grandma are really proud to be part of the CCP. And my cousin, who is two years younger than me, was an aspiring youth member the last time I talked to her. You can see the love they have for their country and for the party, because it floods out of their enthusiasm with everything party-related they do. While I'm no socialist myself, I grew up under my grandparents' wings, and they have remained my biggest role models. Their love means truckloads to me. Their support is the greatest.
"A requirement of joining the Chinese Communist Party is that members cannot be religious."
"The CCP is the world's largest political party, with 80 million members."
But how can I minister to them? How can anyone minister to any of them?
God, I want to see your heart. All the room you made for your lost people. I want to see it filled.
We speak to nations, be open
We speak to nations, fall on your knees
We speak to nations, the kingdom is coming near to you.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
pulse (1)
It was absolutely picture-perfect. The sun in her face was a blinding white that visibly allowed only the toothy smile on her face. It was a remarkably unoriginal effect, that undeniable smile hovering above a light summer dress. She was running slowly too--towards him, for the last time--the pollen floating in the air around her like dancing butterflies. It was all very romantic and sweet, with a backdrop of pretty classical music. Then the camera zoomed in, and that's when you could see, clear as day, the cuts on her arm.
Hannie stood up abruptly. The folding chair she had been sitting on squeaked loudly against the unpolished wood, and everyone looked up nervously in their seats. She ignored them all and swept her gaze across the small auditorium before allowing it to fall on her sister Georgie. Georgie didn't even move, pretending to brush something off her blouse. Hannie gave her the finger and stalked out of the room.
"Hey..hey! HEY!" someone called after her as she flung the bangs out of her face, trying to walk as elegantly as possible. "Come back here! Hey! What the f_ was that?!"
Hannie ignored him and flung the double doors open. The momentum seemed unstoppable. Before she knew it though, the sound of quick footsteps behind her melted into a grabbing of her shoulder, and she was nearly flung backwards.
"HEY!" she hollered back, turning to give the boy a death stare. He was almost a foot taller, however, and she ended up glaring at his collarbone. "Who the hell are you?" she said to it.
"You spoiled the scene!" he huffed at her, cupping her chin and bringing her face up towards his.
She slapped his hand away. "So what? That was a stupid scene. Not to mention an altogether stupid film."
"I'm the freaking writer! I demand an apology!"
Well, you're not getting it, Hannie wanted to say, knowing fully well how cliched this response was, gathered from the many movies and books she had poured over up to that moment. But her face was getting too hot, her vision blurring. She suddenly felt embarrassed. Students were passing by them, whispering and laughing. She didn't realize she had made such a scene.
"Bye," she said instead, quickly pushing the boy away and hightailing it to the nearest women's bathroom. It was only a few yards away, thank goodness. She pushed open the door, briskly glancing back with a fluttering heart, only to find that he had not followed.
She peered into the bathroom mirror. Her cheeks were indeed slightly rosy, and the mascara of one eye was smeared. She grabbed at her side, only to remember that she had forgotten to take her purse out of the auditorium with her.
"Idiot," she whispered to herself and reached into her pocket to pull out a small, pentagon-shaped white tablet. Cupping her hands for water from the sink, she swallowed it and sat on the floor, waiting until the world once again succumbed to peace.
Hannie stood up abruptly. The folding chair she had been sitting on squeaked loudly against the unpolished wood, and everyone looked up nervously in their seats. She ignored them all and swept her gaze across the small auditorium before allowing it to fall on her sister Georgie. Georgie didn't even move, pretending to brush something off her blouse. Hannie gave her the finger and stalked out of the room.
"Hey..hey! HEY!" someone called after her as she flung the bangs out of her face, trying to walk as elegantly as possible. "Come back here! Hey! What the f_ was that?!"
Hannie ignored him and flung the double doors open. The momentum seemed unstoppable. Before she knew it though, the sound of quick footsteps behind her melted into a grabbing of her shoulder, and she was nearly flung backwards.
"HEY!" she hollered back, turning to give the boy a death stare. He was almost a foot taller, however, and she ended up glaring at his collarbone. "Who the hell are you?" she said to it.
"You spoiled the scene!" he huffed at her, cupping her chin and bringing her face up towards his.
She slapped his hand away. "So what? That was a stupid scene. Not to mention an altogether stupid film."
"I'm the freaking writer! I demand an apology!"
Well, you're not getting it, Hannie wanted to say, knowing fully well how cliched this response was, gathered from the many movies and books she had poured over up to that moment. But her face was getting too hot, her vision blurring. She suddenly felt embarrassed. Students were passing by them, whispering and laughing. She didn't realize she had made such a scene.
"Bye," she said instead, quickly pushing the boy away and hightailing it to the nearest women's bathroom. It was only a few yards away, thank goodness. She pushed open the door, briskly glancing back with a fluttering heart, only to find that he had not followed.
She peered into the bathroom mirror. Her cheeks were indeed slightly rosy, and the mascara of one eye was smeared. She grabbed at her side, only to remember that she had forgotten to take her purse out of the auditorium with her.
"Idiot," she whispered to herself and reached into her pocket to pull out a small, pentagon-shaped white tablet. Cupping her hands for water from the sink, she swallowed it and sat on the floor, waiting until the world once again succumbed to peace.
* * *
Saturday, June 18, 2011
before i leave
Just once I'd like to know you, with my head and not my heart.
Just once I'd like to hear you say that you are so much more than just this.
Because I don't want to walk away thinking, once again, every time the same thought, "This is all there was to it. This is all there ever will be."
Just once I'd like to hear you say that you are so much more than just this.
Because I don't want to walk away thinking, once again, every time the same thought, "This is all there was to it. This is all there ever will be."
Thursday, May 26, 2011
the tank man
This well-known incident always comes up in my comparative politics classes: .
Of all my time learning about China and the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre in middle and high school, our teachers never showed this. I wonder if it’s because this man’s actions were too radical for our young minds. I remember the first time I saw this only last year, I thought it was some crazy old man, and his family running to drag him away before he started doing crazier things. Later, I found out it was a university student. My age.
Talking publicly about the massacre is banned in China. When reporters try to get Chinese residents’ opinions about it, they immediately shake their heads and walk away out of fear. After all, a large protest for democracy is not the coolest thing to do in a repressive, conservative socialist government.
So as the government sent tanks loaded up with ammunition and scary violent equipment to take out these thousands of protestors, the majority being university students, I could never imagine that someone would take this kind of action. To walk out right in front of a loaded army tank and yell and wave your arms around and even climb on top of it…what the heck? Oh my gosh! I would die! This is the most courageous action I’ve ever seen, and to this day, no one has figured out who this guy even is. He must have really been possessed by something powerful. The men in that tank must have been equally bold not to have shot him.
To me, this is the most inspiring kind of human sacrifice. Not sacrificing consciously, so that you can publish your feats in a book later or tell them in a testimony. But courage as a crazy anonymous person, totally on fire for something greater than yourself.
Of all my time learning about China and the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre in middle and high school, our teachers never showed this. I wonder if it’s because this man’s actions were too radical for our young minds. I remember the first time I saw this only last year, I thought it was some crazy old man, and his family running to drag him away before he started doing crazier things. Later, I found out it was a university student. My age.
Talking publicly about the massacre is banned in China. When reporters try to get Chinese residents’ opinions about it, they immediately shake their heads and walk away out of fear. After all, a large protest for democracy is not the coolest thing to do in a repressive, conservative socialist government.
So as the government sent tanks loaded up with ammunition and scary violent equipment to take out these thousands of protestors, the majority being university students, I could never imagine that someone would take this kind of action. To walk out right in front of a loaded army tank and yell and wave your arms around and even climb on top of it…what the heck? Oh my gosh! I would die! This is the most courageous action I’ve ever seen, and to this day, no one has figured out who this guy even is. He must have really been possessed by something powerful. The men in that tank must have been equally bold not to have shot him.
To me, this is the most inspiring kind of human sacrifice. Not sacrificing consciously, so that you can publish your feats in a book later or tell them in a testimony. But courage as a crazy anonymous person, totally on fire for something greater than yourself.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
self-righteous
When I was younger, I remember thinking I was always justified when I got bitter at other people. My moods have fluctuated like crazy ever since the depression I suffered years ago but I never blamed myself for them because I told myself I was right anyway. Everyone else was of fault, less good and less understanding.
Matthew 7:3-5
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
I love this passage, and for some reason, this is one of those that more often pops into my head and won't get out. That's how ridiculously self-righteous I am, that God has to remind me of those three verses constantly.
Jessica (my spiritual momma!) probed me today about my decision-making. Why do you always decide based on your emotions? Why do you always let your mood get in the way of obeying God? Don't just dismiss upsetting things as bad things. Lifting burdens from your heart doesn't equate to tossing them away. It means bringing those burdens to God.
She must have talked for about thirty minutes straight. Which breaks her twenty-minute record from fall semester that happened to have taken place at the very same restaurant.
"If only your prayers were that long," I joked after she had finished, and she laughed.
But honestly, I have no doubt her prayers are even longer. And secretly, I wish I could talk that passionately about seeking God, and I wish my prayers were even half as long.
Selfishness is something that I'll never be able to climb out of completely. "Consider the movie of life...From start to finish, this movie is obviously about God. He is the main character," Francis Chan wrote in Crazy Love. I think of it like, what good is it to be cast as an extra in a movie and instead of doing what you're told, you run around rebelling and complaining about the environment, the props, and your fellow extras? In the end, the director will just yell "cut!" and throw you out of his movie. Even though God loves you enough to give you second (and third and fourth) chances, Jessica pointed out: "why would you take advantage of His love (and keep rebelling)?"
But with this in mind, I know I still suck at playing even such a minute role in that movie of life. God, please discipline me in Your love!
(P.S.)
"But the goodness is something you don't have to chase 'cause it's following you."
Matthew 7:3-5
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
I love this passage, and for some reason, this is one of those that more often pops into my head and won't get out. That's how ridiculously self-righteous I am, that God has to remind me of those three verses constantly.
Jessica (my spiritual momma!) probed me today about my decision-making. Why do you always decide based on your emotions? Why do you always let your mood get in the way of obeying God? Don't just dismiss upsetting things as bad things. Lifting burdens from your heart doesn't equate to tossing them away. It means bringing those burdens to God.
She must have talked for about thirty minutes straight. Which breaks her twenty-minute record from fall semester that happened to have taken place at the very same restaurant.
"If only your prayers were that long," I joked after she had finished, and she laughed.
But honestly, I have no doubt her prayers are even longer. And secretly, I wish I could talk that passionately about seeking God, and I wish my prayers were even half as long.
Selfishness is something that I'll never be able to climb out of completely. "Consider the movie of life...From start to finish, this movie is obviously about God. He is the main character," Francis Chan wrote in Crazy Love. I think of it like, what good is it to be cast as an extra in a movie and instead of doing what you're told, you run around rebelling and complaining about the environment, the props, and your fellow extras? In the end, the director will just yell "cut!" and throw you out of his movie. Even though God loves you enough to give you second (and third and fourth) chances, Jessica pointed out: "why would you take advantage of His love (and keep rebelling)?"
But with this in mind, I know I still suck at playing even such a minute role in that movie of life. God, please discipline me in Your love!
(P.S.)
"But the goodness is something you don't have to chase 'cause it's following you."
Friday, May 6, 2011
shelter
I always hear people telling me how easy to see Christians who were churched all their lives as sheltered. With this come harsh comments and "it's so unfair." But I even have agnostic friends who are sheltered this way. Though less so, they're vulnerable to this criticism as well. They get upset over the smallest things. They throw temper tantrums over the most minor details. My roommate says, "They had a relatively decent life. Small things affect them more than they do us."
And who wants to be criticized for something they couldn't have controlled?
But now I also know, how sheltered I am. How I've complained about my insecurities and blamed my mental illnesses to reveal how imperfect I am and be accepted. How much I open up with what I've gone through in order to avoid this judgment and distinguish myself from also being labeled as "sheltered."
Jayesslee sang a cover of "Coming Home" a while back, and they rewrote some of the verses: "we were inspired tell a story of a lost man who had nothing left after wasting his fortune on all the wrong things." A big chunk of what they wrote goes like this:
Wasn't a moment where it was easy
Makin' sure I stayed outta line
Took everything that was mine
But what was even mine to begin with?
Now that I've come to my senses
I now see the answers.
I can only imagine this man as someone who grew up in a wealthy and content background, wasting his life away because he didn't know any better. And now as he approaches the end of it, he sees how stupidly he acted. "But what was even mine to begin with?" God gave him the riches of the world but because he selfishly used it to build a crazy life story for himself instead of for God, he lost everything.
Job once said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away."
So when will people stop criticizing each others' backgrounds and comparing misfortunes? Making sure their testimony is the best so they can avoid labels and wow a bigger audience? God is the only one who sovereignly gives and takes. He is also the one and only Judge.
And who wants to be criticized for something they couldn't have controlled?
But now I also know, how sheltered I am. How I've complained about my insecurities and blamed my mental illnesses to reveal how imperfect I am and be accepted. How much I open up with what I've gone through in order to avoid this judgment and distinguish myself from also being labeled as "sheltered."
Jayesslee sang a cover of "Coming Home" a while back, and they rewrote some of the verses: "we were inspired tell a story of a lost man who had nothing left after wasting his fortune on all the wrong things." A big chunk of what they wrote goes like this:
Wasn't a moment where it was easy
Makin' sure I stayed outta line
Took everything that was mine
But what was even mine to begin with?
Now that I've come to my senses
I now see the answers.
I can only imagine this man as someone who grew up in a wealthy and content background, wasting his life away because he didn't know any better. And now as he approaches the end of it, he sees how stupidly he acted. "But what was even mine to begin with?" God gave him the riches of the world but because he selfishly used it to build a crazy life story for himself instead of for God, he lost everything.
Job once said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away."
So when will people stop criticizing each others' backgrounds and comparing misfortunes? Making sure their testimony is the best so they can avoid labels and wow a bigger audience? God is the only one who sovereignly gives and takes. He is also the one and only Judge.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
the jukebox song
smiles so wide
catching the fears
falling from her eyes
lifts up her hands
knows in this mess
she still has defense
the love of her life
'cause she says
"you’re my jukebox song
the one i always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones i love
even when i’m alone
you’re so good to me
that i surely know"
timid not brave
wants to run inside
instead she stays
listening to lies
but heart beats faster
and love grows bolder
calls out to heaven
now unafraid
"you’re my jukebox song
the one i always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones i love
even when i’m alone
you’re so good to me
that i surely know"
he leads the blind, he calms the storm
not even the lost are alone
he hurt more than you, he hurts for you
he sings to you
"i'm your jukebox song
the one you always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones you love
so dance away
you're never alone
your hand i hold
anywhere you go."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
glu(e) of His love
Yesterday, I got to catch up with Jessica for our last dinner of the semester. Earlier that day, I had been upset over a variety of things, including her leaving, especially when I finally read my lifegroup leaders' kind goodbye messages, especially when I realized most things they wrote about me didn't apply to the last couple of weeks I've been repeatedly missing and half-missing lifegroup meetings, which just made me bawl all over again. So I felt relieved when she sat down in front of me, all her little quirks and comments putting me right at peace.
"This is our first meeting without me being your leader! Now we're just friends, although we were always friends," she said with a smile, and I just smiled back, shaking my head because although we had officially ended lifegroup, it still didn't feel that way at all. She was still very much both my spiritual mom and friend.
I don't know how to put GLU into an organized collection of words. Freshman year, I let my lifegroup climb up to being a top priority in college, and I spent almost every day and every night with them. The last meeting was very final, and almost every relationship I built in it since that day has quickly slipped away with time. Since then, new extracurriculars have taken emphasis away from church.
The reason I loved GLU was because there was bold acceptance of each others' flaws, and we became so close so naturally. I can honestly say that I see most of these brothers and sisters as friends first, before fellow lifegroup or church members. I don't see the end of lifegroup affecting many of these relationships at all, and I am so grateful for this realization. Oftentimes in church, it's hard to grasp that the people there are human but everyone in GLU never failed to keep it real, and I've never felt as secure in my life as I did being with them.
God. Thank you so much.
P.S. I really love my GLUparents.. that's them being servants in an everyday context by voluntarily cleaning gum off the church carpet hahaha. Reconfirming why they're two of my biggest role models. :)
"This is our first meeting without me being your leader! Now we're just friends, although we were always friends," she said with a smile, and I just smiled back, shaking my head because although we had officially ended lifegroup, it still didn't feel that way at all. She was still very much both my spiritual mom and friend.
I don't know how to put GLU into an organized collection of words. Freshman year, I let my lifegroup climb up to being a top priority in college, and I spent almost every day and every night with them. The last meeting was very final, and almost every relationship I built in it since that day has quickly slipped away with time. Since then, new extracurriculars have taken emphasis away from church.
The reason I loved GLU was because there was bold acceptance of each others' flaws, and we became so close so naturally. I can honestly say that I see most of these brothers and sisters as friends first, before fellow lifegroup or church members. I don't see the end of lifegroup affecting many of these relationships at all, and I am so grateful for this realization. Oftentimes in church, it's hard to grasp that the people there are human but everyone in GLU never failed to keep it real, and I've never felt as secure in my life as I did being with them.
God. Thank you so much.
P.S. I really love my GLUparents.. that's them being servants in an everyday context by voluntarily cleaning gum off the church carpet hahaha. Reconfirming why they're two of my biggest role models. :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
the cost of following Jesus
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:57-62
Lord, I desperately, desperately need You.
I miss You. The way the university campus would still survive if Starbucks disappeared one day but would almost be crippled. Coffee runs would just not be the same.
You transformed me inside and out but I feel like everything about me is slowly changing back, to the way it used to be before freshman year of college. The only thing that's stable is my desire to know You more. Then again, that's been a desire since I was seven years old.
I want to love You and serve You with all my heart but.. I suck at academic obstacles. I really, really get shoved down every time I have to face them. The one prayer running through my mind all day is: Let me not idolize these things: my academics and my future. Let me instead use them to glorify You. Let me instead use them as avenues in serving You. Never to choose over You.
This is the vision I got tonight. I'm sitting in an office, working away for my boss. And all of a sudden, I hear His voice, calling me to leave my work and run away from the things I love to do, calling me to chase after Him. "My boss will kill me" - this is the first thought that runs through my mind.
Timidly, I'm going to go up to her and say, "Um...sorry, something just came up. Can I run out for a bit? I promise you I'll finish my work by the deadline. I'm so sorry!"
Or.. am I capable of just walking out of that office and running after God, not having a care in the world about what my boss thinks? Honestly, I'd choose asking my boss first, hands down. If she says, "No what the hell are you thinking?", I'm going to apologize to her, walk right back to my office, and turn God down. Sorry, God. You always wait for me anyway, though, right?
Jeez, girl. Sometimes, I just want to punch myself. Who gave you that very job? Who frickin gave you your gifts and talents?
Who gave you this life?
I have no confidence in the gospel.
Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:57-62
Lord, I desperately, desperately need You.
I miss You. The way the university campus would still survive if Starbucks disappeared one day but would almost be crippled. Coffee runs would just not be the same.
You transformed me inside and out but I feel like everything about me is slowly changing back, to the way it used to be before freshman year of college. The only thing that's stable is my desire to know You more. Then again, that's been a desire since I was seven years old.
I want to love You and serve You with all my heart but.. I suck at academic obstacles. I really, really get shoved down every time I have to face them. The one prayer running through my mind all day is: Let me not idolize these things: my academics and my future. Let me instead use them to glorify You. Let me instead use them as avenues in serving You. Never to choose over You.
This is the vision I got tonight. I'm sitting in an office, working away for my boss. And all of a sudden, I hear His voice, calling me to leave my work and run away from the things I love to do, calling me to chase after Him. "My boss will kill me" - this is the first thought that runs through my mind.
Timidly, I'm going to go up to her and say, "Um...sorry, something just came up. Can I run out for a bit? I promise you I'll finish my work by the deadline. I'm so sorry!"
Or.. am I capable of just walking out of that office and running after God, not having a care in the world about what my boss thinks? Honestly, I'd choose asking my boss first, hands down. If she says, "No what the hell are you thinking?", I'm going to apologize to her, walk right back to my office, and turn God down. Sorry, God. You always wait for me anyway, though, right?
Jeez, girl. Sometimes, I just want to punch myself. Who gave you that very job? Who frickin gave you your gifts and talents?
Who gave you this life?
I have no confidence in the gospel.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
push
why can't people just stop hurting me..
i'd rather that they leave than try to make up only to hurt me again..
i will never understand how God endures it all.
i'd rather that they leave than try to make up only to hurt me again..
i will never understand how God endures it all.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
just love
I am so...overwhelmed by God's provision of older sisters. I can't put my gratitude into words without it being undermined.
You know how everyone has been and will always secretly be in love with their first lifegroup (with few exceptions) whether they acknowledge it or not? I know all our lovebeta freshmen are, and I know that the bond we've created among ourselves goes a long way. Relishing our shared memories in a community where the outpouring of compassion was so purely out of our older brothers and sisters' love for God. Sharing in the knowledge that all three of us lived through something unforgettable, and knowing we can't get it back. Then again, we don't need to. We're carrying it.
I don't know, then, what made me believe all this time that my older lovebeta sisters do not know me well enough to help me. Yeah, I did not talk a lot in that lifegroup. I rarely shared anything personal, I rarely prayed out loud, and I rarely participated all that much in our bizarre conversations. But through it all, they drowned me in their grace and wisdom, and they pulled confessions out of me the way Jesus caught hundreds of fish without even laying a finger on the net. Lovebeta's been over since then, but their support has only increased all the more.
I say things along the lines of, "You only know the freshman me. You only know what I was like then, and I'm not like that anymore." And I think, I'm more messed up. I'm more confused and useless and scared than I ever was. That's the kind of person I'm like now. Like fear dominates my life. They look at me and laugh. "Tell me again, how much have we been through together?" A lot, I allow. They can relate, and they know what I'm going through. Usually, I can't tolerate when people think that, but with them, I'm absolutely relieved. They may not know exactly what it feels like to me, but, admit it or not, they certainly do know me.
"Love God and everything else will flow from there." This is what I have been learning. Do you know what that means? It means to love Him through the ups and downs, the wide and the narrow, the complicated and the simple. It means to bask in His presence and indulge in it until you're in tears. There is no mold, like I had always believed. There is no definite right, and no definite wrong. There are only possibilities, and God knows them all. He loves you because He gives them all to you and trusts you with them.
1 Timothy 1:12-14, The Lord's Grace to Paul
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
No pretense. No fears. Just His love, and everything that flows out of it.
You know how everyone has been and will always secretly be in love with their first lifegroup (with few exceptions) whether they acknowledge it or not? I know all our lovebeta freshmen are, and I know that the bond we've created among ourselves goes a long way. Relishing our shared memories in a community where the outpouring of compassion was so purely out of our older brothers and sisters' love for God. Sharing in the knowledge that all three of us lived through something unforgettable, and knowing we can't get it back. Then again, we don't need to. We're carrying it.
I don't know, then, what made me believe all this time that my older lovebeta sisters do not know me well enough to help me. Yeah, I did not talk a lot in that lifegroup. I rarely shared anything personal, I rarely prayed out loud, and I rarely participated all that much in our bizarre conversations. But through it all, they drowned me in their grace and wisdom, and they pulled confessions out of me the way Jesus caught hundreds of fish without even laying a finger on the net. Lovebeta's been over since then, but their support has only increased all the more.
I say things along the lines of, "You only know the freshman me. You only know what I was like then, and I'm not like that anymore." And I think, I'm more messed up. I'm more confused and useless and scared than I ever was. That's the kind of person I'm like now. Like fear dominates my life. They look at me and laugh. "Tell me again, how much have we been through together?" A lot, I allow. They can relate, and they know what I'm going through. Usually, I can't tolerate when people think that, but with them, I'm absolutely relieved. They may not know exactly what it feels like to me, but, admit it or not, they certainly do know me.
"Love God and everything else will flow from there." This is what I have been learning. Do you know what that means? It means to love Him through the ups and downs, the wide and the narrow, the complicated and the simple. It means to bask in His presence and indulge in it until you're in tears. There is no mold, like I had always believed. There is no definite right, and no definite wrong. There are only possibilities, and God knows them all. He loves you because He gives them all to you and trusts you with them.
1 Timothy 1:12-14, The Lord's Grace to Paul
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
No pretense. No fears. Just His love, and everything that flows out of it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
identity
It's so great to talk to friends who had a mix of both. Life without religious beliefs. Life with them.
We talk about one of the hardest things: how frustrating it is when you're going through a phase of doubt or struggle and you tell a churched older brother or sister and they give you some nice advice or tell you about some relevant bible passage or personal experience. You feel a little better. They nod sympathetically. "I know what you're going through."
And when you listen to them but you're still struggling a week later (sometimes longer, like a year), they just look at you like, "Why is it so damn hard for you to just have faith?" And you feel like the stupidest person in the world. Let me rephrase: the most lost person in their world. Because you are happy to be secular. You feel liberated without all these annoying religious obligations sometimes. You are pro-choice and you support the LGBTQ community. So people look at you like you are crazy. They stare at you and you know they're thinking, That person desperately need God! Mmm...yeah, you must really know what we're going through, don't you?
Then everyone wants to pray for you. Everyone [secretly] pities the fact that you've "fallen away," that you're struggling just because you have lost life's only key to meaning in this universe and you have transitioned back into satan's happy little world. You have been deceived. You are too proud.
Even if this is not really how everyone thinks, that is how they act. So sometimes, I only climb back out because I can't take the pity anymore.
We talk about one of the hardest things: how frustrating it is when you're going through a phase of doubt or struggle and you tell a churched older brother or sister and they give you some nice advice or tell you about some relevant bible passage or personal experience. You feel a little better. They nod sympathetically. "I know what you're going through."
And when you listen to them but you're still struggling a week later (sometimes longer, like a year), they just look at you like, "Why is it so damn hard for you to just have faith?" And you feel like the stupidest person in the world. Let me rephrase: the most lost person in their world. Because you are happy to be secular. You feel liberated without all these annoying religious obligations sometimes. You are pro-choice and you support the LGBTQ community. So people look at you like you are crazy. They stare at you and you know they're thinking, That person desperately need God! Mmm...yeah, you must really know what we're going through, don't you?
Then everyone wants to pray for you. Everyone [secretly] pities the fact that you've "fallen away," that you're struggling just because you have lost life's only key to meaning in this universe and you have transitioned back into satan's happy little world. You have been deceived. You are too proud.
Even if this is not really how everyone thinks, that is how they act. So sometimes, I only climb back out because I can't take the pity anymore.
Friday, March 18, 2011
covering
Sometimes it slips, down, down, down it slides, back home, into the stream. And when you cup your hands and try to scoop it back up, it's different. Always different.
It was where she laid down into at night, when she couldn't sleep in the heat of her bedroom. In instances when she could barely breathe, driplets of water entangling with her hair and blanket restraining her movement like a straitjacket. The air was strong enough to pull her back as she climbed out of bed and vanished slowly, quietly through the sliding back door into the cool darkness of crickets and yellowing grass.
She washed her hair in the river. It was not a very deep river, and the mud would replace her sweat but she didn't mind. She laughed. She stepped on the cold rocks beneath the water and tried to maintain balance. She let her nightgown become wet and splashed the yawning turtles nearby. She tickled the grass until they all laughed with her. She tasted the foxtails and the raw sweet potatoes in her mother's garden. She had conversations with the moon about Maylee, her favorite doll, about going to the beach, about the boys at school, and about her parents' divorce. The moon didn't laugh. About her brother, who was recently hauled off to jail for stealing from their neighbors. And about the first time she saw her father in a long time while at the county police station, and how the event involved him crying harder than she's ever seen a boy cry. But also about how she saw her parents hug that night and wished they would never let go.
Drowsiness would then take over, and she'd tie her hair into a knot, brushing pieces of grass off her legs. She'd make her way back to the house but only get to the porch and close her eyes in rest. In the morning, her mother would wake up and see a young girl, half covered in dried dirt, curled up on a rocking chair, the wind swaying her back and forth. And she would place a hand over the worry lines in her forehead before bringing out a blanket, not the one called a straitjacket but one like protection over the losses in their lives.
It was where she laid down into at night, when she couldn't sleep in the heat of her bedroom. In instances when she could barely breathe, driplets of water entangling with her hair and blanket restraining her movement like a straitjacket. The air was strong enough to pull her back as she climbed out of bed and vanished slowly, quietly through the sliding back door into the cool darkness of crickets and yellowing grass.
She washed her hair in the river. It was not a very deep river, and the mud would replace her sweat but she didn't mind. She laughed. She stepped on the cold rocks beneath the water and tried to maintain balance. She let her nightgown become wet and splashed the yawning turtles nearby. She tickled the grass until they all laughed with her. She tasted the foxtails and the raw sweet potatoes in her mother's garden. She had conversations with the moon about Maylee, her favorite doll, about going to the beach, about the boys at school, and about her parents' divorce. The moon didn't laugh. About her brother, who was recently hauled off to jail for stealing from their neighbors. And about the first time she saw her father in a long time while at the county police station, and how the event involved him crying harder than she's ever seen a boy cry. But also about how she saw her parents hug that night and wished they would never let go.
Drowsiness would then take over, and she'd tie her hair into a knot, brushing pieces of grass off her legs. She'd make her way back to the house but only get to the porch and close her eyes in rest. In the morning, her mother would wake up and see a young girl, half covered in dried dirt, curled up on a rocking chair, the wind swaying her back and forth. And she would place a hand over the worry lines in her forehead before bringing out a blanket, not the one called a straitjacket but one like protection over the losses in their lives.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
reality check
Ironically, I’m taking time out of a lecture for the one class I’m almost failing to write this and wallow in self-pity. Which may or may not come as a surprise, my lack of interest and/or attention in the subject behind the reason why I’m not doing so well in the first place.
One of the questions I’m often asked is, “Don’t you have to study?” Whereas everyone has picked up the art of diligence or at least the practice of spending more than a few hours on their homework and papers since freshman year of college, I have lost it. I’ve patted myself on the back for four years of motivated work in high school and then slipped. I’ve taken pride in the fact that yes, I am certain that I do not idolize studying because I spend about a quarter as much time on it than everyone else does.
Yeah. Definitely something that deserves pride, isn’t it?
My professor is now telling us, “People start to lose their memory retention at around the age of twenty.” And everyone just stares at him. He shrugs. “I’m just saying.” He’s vaguely referring to our midterm results. Simply put: I can’t just skim things anymore. Less rote memorization, more comprehension.
What do I do with all my free time? I talk to people and do crazy things and then I reflect on everything. There is nothing bad with reflection and nothing wrong with thinking, “Oh, God put me in this university so I can experience Him and these things!” But I am pretty sure that there is something definitely wrong if one doesn’t also simultaneously know, “Oh, God put me in this university to pursue a higher education (and more or less succeed in doing so),” which is…usually the more, if not only (for most people), obvious point. We can’t just walk around serving the church and serving people and reading the Bible and praying and reflecting all the time and not fully acknowledge the (at times, secular) reason we are even in college in the first place, not to mention the people who are paying our tuitions and waiting for results. We just can’t. Some intelligent people can do this and still juggle jobs and pass their classes with flying colors. Some people I love ponder that perhaps the college environment may just be a training field and that God really didn’t actually call them to get degrees. But this is not true for everyone, and it is certainly not true for me.
I’m really sad. About what’ll happen in this class, and in future classes if I can’t let everything I just wrote sink in. One brother told me yesterday, “I gotta stop the self pity and get my crap together.” Amen. Can’t say it any better.
One of the questions I’m often asked is, “Don’t you have to study?” Whereas everyone has picked up the art of diligence or at least the practice of spending more than a few hours on their homework and papers since freshman year of college, I have lost it. I’ve patted myself on the back for four years of motivated work in high school and then slipped. I’ve taken pride in the fact that yes, I am certain that I do not idolize studying because I spend about a quarter as much time on it than everyone else does.
Yeah. Definitely something that deserves pride, isn’t it?
My professor is now telling us, “People start to lose their memory retention at around the age of twenty.” And everyone just stares at him. He shrugs. “I’m just saying.” He’s vaguely referring to our midterm results. Simply put: I can’t just skim things anymore. Less rote memorization, more comprehension.
What do I do with all my free time? I talk to people and do crazy things and then I reflect on everything. There is nothing bad with reflection and nothing wrong with thinking, “Oh, God put me in this university so I can experience Him and these things!” But I am pretty sure that there is something definitely wrong if one doesn’t also simultaneously know, “Oh, God put me in this university to pursue a higher education (and more or less succeed in doing so),” which is…usually the more, if not only (for most people), obvious point. We can’t just walk around serving the church and serving people and reading the Bible and praying and reflecting all the time and not fully acknowledge the (at times, secular) reason we are even in college in the first place, not to mention the people who are paying our tuitions and waiting for results. We just can’t. Some intelligent people can do this and still juggle jobs and pass their classes with flying colors. Some people I love ponder that perhaps the college environment may just be a training field and that God really didn’t actually call them to get degrees. But this is not true for everyone, and it is certainly not true for me.
I’m really sad. About what’ll happen in this class, and in future classes if I can’t let everything I just wrote sink in. One brother told me yesterday, “I gotta stop the self pity and get my crap together.” Amen. Can’t say it any better.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
lent
What a vulnerable night yesterday. And tonight.
I don't love God anywhere as much as I thought I did.
Every day for these 40-so days, to pray on a (different) quality of God I am thankful for.
Titus 2:11-15
For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.
These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.
This passage has been on my mind for almost a month now..
Father, I will be faithful.
I don't love God anywhere as much as I thought I did.
Every day for these 40-so days, to pray on a (different) quality of God I am thankful for.
Titus 2:11-15
For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.
These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.
This passage has been on my mind for almost a month now..
Father, I will be faithful.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
spring break
I can't believe I applied for alternative spring break in October. Funny how time flies.
And I never believed up until the Saturday morning I was leaving that I would really be going. I was aware that God wanted me to go but as the date approached, I got more annoyed and doubtful. It had been an exhausting two weeks in school. Selfishly, I wanted my break to be relaxing, and I did not want to spend it working with refugee children 9-6 every day.
But now, what can I say? This break has been one of the most life-changing experiences I've ever had. I really don't know what to say about it. As a team of eight, we went down to Atlanta, Georgia, and it was incredible, refreshing, warm, and so much fun.
I was going to explain one particular thing God really hit me with on this trip but I wrote a song about it instead. Edit: I deleted it. It's hard being (and staying) vulnerable in public ^^'.
All in all, spring break was incredible :). Praise God for my team and all of our crazy adventures! Almost too much to reflect on..
^ With some of the kids at one of the sites we worked at!
And I never believed up until the Saturday morning I was leaving that I would really be going. I was aware that God wanted me to go but as the date approached, I got more annoyed and doubtful. It had been an exhausting two weeks in school. Selfishly, I wanted my break to be relaxing, and I did not want to spend it working with refugee children 9-6 every day.
But now, what can I say? This break has been one of the most life-changing experiences I've ever had. I really don't know what to say about it. As a team of eight, we went down to Atlanta, Georgia, and it was incredible, refreshing, warm, and so much fun.
I was going to explain one particular thing God really hit me with on this trip but I wrote a song about it instead. Edit: I deleted it. It's hard being (and staying) vulnerable in public ^^'.
All in all, spring break was incredible :). Praise God for my team and all of our crazy adventures! Almost too much to reflect on..
^ With some of the kids at one of the sites we worked at!
Friday, February 25, 2011
the karate kid
Whenever you knock me down, I will not stay on the ground.
-Justin Bieber :]
I remember watching this remake movie--"The Karate Kid"--with GLU the time we spent nine hours together in the same room. What a day... none of us wanted to go. Some of us played the same card game at least seven times even though we were getting tired of it because we did not want a reason to leave (we finally stopped playing to watch the movie together hahaha).
It is the most cliché plotline ever: Boy moves to foreign land and gets bullied. Then Jackie Chan saves the day and helps boy overcome his bullies. Even so, we got so into it, yelling at antagonists and cheering with Jaden Smith. Spoiler alert... It is incredible how he refused to back down against this bully who had been training kong fu all his life and, what's more, even won with a freshly broken leg (and face). Although I can't deny that this is a bizarrely unbelievable outcome, it just goes to represent how physical strength will almost always be submissive to heart strength.
This is a great reminder for me, because my physical problems always seem to take over instead and knock down my emotional and spiritual health. I used to, and occasionally still, have weird eating disorders that complicate things, and every time I fast, I get sick, which also brings me down. Thus, I am very cautious about my physical health, and I always struggle mentally during the months my immune system is weak.
But the heart is where the Holy Spirit works. And I've never before thought to give it the leading role.
-Justin Bieber :]
I remember watching this remake movie--"The Karate Kid"--with GLU the time we spent nine hours together in the same room. What a day... none of us wanted to go. Some of us played the same card game at least seven times even though we were getting tired of it because we did not want a reason to leave (we finally stopped playing to watch the movie together hahaha).
It is the most cliché plotline ever: Boy moves to foreign land and gets bullied. Then Jackie Chan saves the day and helps boy overcome his bullies. Even so, we got so into it, yelling at antagonists and cheering with Jaden Smith. Spoiler alert... It is incredible how he refused to back down against this bully who had been training kong fu all his life and, what's more, even won with a freshly broken leg (and face). Although I can't deny that this is a bizarrely unbelievable outcome, it just goes to represent how physical strength will almost always be submissive to heart strength.
This is a great reminder for me, because my physical problems always seem to take over instead and knock down my emotional and spiritual health. I used to, and occasionally still, have weird eating disorders that complicate things, and every time I fast, I get sick, which also brings me down. Thus, I am very cautious about my physical health, and I always struggle mentally during the months my immune system is weak.
But the heart is where the Holy Spirit works. And I've never before thought to give it the leading role.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
empty-handed
This morning, my life group leader prayed, in the midst of asking for welcoming hearts, that we would encounter someone significant today, someone who doesn't yet know Christ. And I was like, "Okay, most of the time this never actually happens but if on the off chance it does, I can deal with it!" And guess what happened?
I work at one of the dining halls. It's not a difficult job but there is a lot of people skills required and a LOT of patience+love needed. Last semester, it was not hard to be able to share my faith with a few co-workers because although most of them were atheist, they were open to hearing what I had to say. However, I eventually got to drag one to the Jaeson Ma event..and it was a disaster. We were on the balcony and as Jaeson Ma was preaching, my co-worker got really angry and was muttering condescending remarks like, "That's just your opinion!" and "Are you kidding me? The last thing China needs is Jesus!" Everyone kept staring at us, and (Strike 1) I felt so embarrassed. Then, when we were asked to stand or lift up our hands, my co-worker just looked at me and said sarcastically, "Why don't you do it? Ignore me, and just do what everyone else is doing, since you're so into this stuff." Because I didn't want to succumb to his ridicule, (Strike 2) I just sat there, angry at myself for even bringing him. Eventually, we had to pray in groups and that's when my co-worker decided to leave. I was (guiltily) washed with relief. On the way out, I asked, "Did you enjoy it?" and he said, "It was..okay." He reassured me that he would continue to respect my faith, and then he was gone. That rest of the night, I thought over all the things he had said and watched as people repented and wept and praised the Lord. My bitterness was building up, and I got pissed, just so pissed, cynically thinking about why these nights of tears don't happen as often as they should and telling myself that if they did, then I would have been so much bolder with my faith. And (Strike 3) I refused to let God in for a long time after that. Instead of ministering to my co-worker, I fell into step alongside him on the wrong path.
Tonight, one of my (strong-minded) co-workers was talking about a play she wanted to audition for, called In the Beginning. "It's making fun of the Bible," she said. "I want to be the Virgin Mary!" My coordinator was also there, and he said, "I want to audition too! I want to be Jesus!" As they laughed and criticized the ridiculous beliefs of Christians, I just stood there, speechless while piling fruits and remembering the words of my life group leader this morning. I pray that we will meet someone special today, that we will be able to speak into their lives and build up a relationship with them through which they'll know Christ. I stood there until my coordinator left, so then it was just me and the girl. I asked God, "Should I stay on this topic? Should I ask her about her beliefs? Tell me what I should do!" And I felt God just standing there, next to me, saying with a divine calmness, "I'm not going to convict you this time. It's up to you. It's your own choice."
Twenty silent minutes later, I told myself it was too awkward to bring the topic up again and then I went to cut some marble torte cake. Next time, if she brings it up again, I'll ask. I'll ask and share with her for sure. After work, I met with my pre-Christian LCG and she just challenged me all over again about why I even believed in God. I left that meeting so aware of how young I was in my faith--not in a time-wise, self-justifying way, but rather in my lack of desperation to know Him more. I marveled over how much I sucked at being a good witness. Sorry Jessica, I put your prayer to waste. I let God down again.
How well do you know the Word? Not well at all. And how willing are you to join the feet of those who bring Good News? Not willing enough.
So do something about it.
I work at one of the dining halls. It's not a difficult job but there is a lot of people skills required and a LOT of patience+love needed. Last semester, it was not hard to be able to share my faith with a few co-workers because although most of them were atheist, they were open to hearing what I had to say. However, I eventually got to drag one to the Jaeson Ma event..and it was a disaster. We were on the balcony and as Jaeson Ma was preaching, my co-worker got really angry and was muttering condescending remarks like, "That's just your opinion!" and "Are you kidding me? The last thing China needs is Jesus!" Everyone kept staring at us, and (Strike 1) I felt so embarrassed. Then, when we were asked to stand or lift up our hands, my co-worker just looked at me and said sarcastically, "Why don't you do it? Ignore me, and just do what everyone else is doing, since you're so into this stuff." Because I didn't want to succumb to his ridicule, (Strike 2) I just sat there, angry at myself for even bringing him. Eventually, we had to pray in groups and that's when my co-worker decided to leave. I was (guiltily) washed with relief. On the way out, I asked, "Did you enjoy it?" and he said, "It was..okay." He reassured me that he would continue to respect my faith, and then he was gone. That rest of the night, I thought over all the things he had said and watched as people repented and wept and praised the Lord. My bitterness was building up, and I got pissed, just so pissed, cynically thinking about why these nights of tears don't happen as often as they should and telling myself that if they did, then I would have been so much bolder with my faith. And (Strike 3) I refused to let God in for a long time after that. Instead of ministering to my co-worker, I fell into step alongside him on the wrong path.
Tonight, one of my (strong-minded) co-workers was talking about a play she wanted to audition for, called In the Beginning. "It's making fun of the Bible," she said. "I want to be the Virgin Mary!" My coordinator was also there, and he said, "I want to audition too! I want to be Jesus!" As they laughed and criticized the ridiculous beliefs of Christians, I just stood there, speechless while piling fruits and remembering the words of my life group leader this morning. I pray that we will meet someone special today, that we will be able to speak into their lives and build up a relationship with them through which they'll know Christ. I stood there until my coordinator left, so then it was just me and the girl. I asked God, "Should I stay on this topic? Should I ask her about her beliefs? Tell me what I should do!" And I felt God just standing there, next to me, saying with a divine calmness, "I'm not going to convict you this time. It's up to you. It's your own choice."
Twenty silent minutes later, I told myself it was too awkward to bring the topic up again and then I went to cut some marble torte cake. Next time, if she brings it up again, I'll ask. I'll ask and share with her for sure. After work, I met with my pre-Christian LCG and she just challenged me all over again about why I even believed in God. I left that meeting so aware of how young I was in my faith--not in a time-wise, self-justifying way, but rather in my lack of desperation to know Him more. I marveled over how much I sucked at being a good witness. Sorry Jessica, I put your prayer to waste. I let God down again.
How well do you know the Word? Not well at all. And how willing are you to join the feet of those who bring Good News? Not willing enough.
So do something about it.
Friday, February 4, 2011
compassion
Journaling.
My life group was talking about this a lot this past Wednesday, probably because Pastor Seth just gave a sermon on it. Not just about journaling now though, but also about looking back.
Afterwards, I also got a chance to look back, through my freshman year "dear God" journal. Honestly, it was not much different from a normal journal: most of the time, I just went on and on about my day and then thanked God and told him to bless the next.
But after reading for a while, I began to notice a pattern. I had been REALLY thankful...not just for His grace, which I didn't know much about, but simply, for people. Every single day, I generally wrote one or more of these:
1. "God, I saw this person today and I never get to see him/her! I don't know what that means but thank you for letting me see them again!"
2. "This person introduced him/herself to me today. I know you're putting them in my life for some reason...I look forward to getting to know them more."
3. "I love so-and-so! This is what they are like. [name] and [name] are really great people, and I'm going to do this for them."
4. "I get to see my lifegroup today. This is what we are going to do. I can't wait! Thank you so much for them!"
Seeing all these names and all this gratitude for them and for God just makes me want to cry.. I never thank God so specifically anymore, never pray for people I don't feel obligated to pray for as much as I used to, never take enough time to just relish how He's worked in others' lives too these days.
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39
I love God, and I love His people! BUT, love can't just be about spending time with those we're more comfortable with or praying for them only when we feel like we need to.. The world might as well come to an end if that were true. I need to be taught compassion! I lack a heart of servitude.
My life group was talking about this a lot this past Wednesday, probably because Pastor Seth just gave a sermon on it. Not just about journaling now though, but also about looking back.
Afterwards, I also got a chance to look back, through my freshman year "dear God" journal. Honestly, it was not much different from a normal journal: most of the time, I just went on and on about my day and then thanked God and told him to bless the next.
But after reading for a while, I began to notice a pattern. I had been REALLY thankful...not just for His grace, which I didn't know much about, but simply, for people. Every single day, I generally wrote one or more of these:
1. "God, I saw this person today and I never get to see him/her! I don't know what that means but thank you for letting me see them again!"
2. "This person introduced him/herself to me today. I know you're putting them in my life for some reason...I look forward to getting to know them more."
3. "I love so-and-so! This is what they are like. [name] and [name] are really great people, and I'm going to do this for them."
4. "I get to see my lifegroup today. This is what we are going to do. I can't wait! Thank you so much for them!"
Seeing all these names and all this gratitude for them and for God just makes me want to cry.. I never thank God so specifically anymore, never pray for people I don't feel obligated to pray for as much as I used to, never take enough time to just relish how He's worked in others' lives too these days.
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39
I love God, and I love His people! BUT, love can't just be about spending time with those we're more comfortable with or praying for them only when we feel like we need to.. The world might as well come to an end if that were true. I need to be taught compassion! I lack a heart of servitude.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
humility
I definitely...needed for this to happen today. Brokenness feels so tiring, bittersweet, sad, and disappointing.
The dangers of riding on God's grace? You easily find yourself taking it for granted. You end up asking for more. I am not cautious enough.
There's total relief in finding that although I lost what I wanted, I don't feel any negativity towards Him. Through this experience, He's laid out in front of me these fears and failures I can't stop hiding behind anymore. Grow up, child. You can't rest beneath the shelter of your family's and church's security forever.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
What are you so afraid of?
Why can't you take risks?
Why are you so quick to draw back and escape?
The problem is not in the path I take. It's in the fear that my path will lead to failure. I constantly feel like I set myself up for disappointment. Who becomes an English major when the world is in recession? Who aspires to be a writer when the publishing industry is crumbling under the weight of change? I had forgotten that God chose this path for me, and that His sovereignty always prevails. In my weakening grip, I become, honestly, DEATHLY scared. One tiny shortcoming tips the entire balance scale.
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
What mercy was revealed; what selflessness and peace. My fate was surely sealed, until He rescued me. -Starfield, "The Saving One"
Can I stop living selfishly? Will I please?
The dangers of riding on God's grace? You easily find yourself taking it for granted. You end up asking for more. I am not cautious enough.
There's total relief in finding that although I lost what I wanted, I don't feel any negativity towards Him. Through this experience, He's laid out in front of me these fears and failures I can't stop hiding behind anymore. Grow up, child. You can't rest beneath the shelter of your family's and church's security forever.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
What are you so afraid of?
Why can't you take risks?
Why are you so quick to draw back and escape?
The problem is not in the path I take. It's in the fear that my path will lead to failure. I constantly feel like I set myself up for disappointment. Who becomes an English major when the world is in recession? Who aspires to be a writer when the publishing industry is crumbling under the weight of change? I had forgotten that God chose this path for me, and that His sovereignty always prevails. In my weakening grip, I become, honestly, DEATHLY scared. One tiny shortcoming tips the entire balance scale.
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
What mercy was revealed; what selflessness and peace. My fate was surely sealed, until He rescued me. -Starfield, "The Saving One"
Can I stop living selfishly? Will I please?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
john 4:13-14
satan whispering words in my ear, and I mistake them for my own.
when I cup my hands together, there exists invisible, living water. unlike the water of this world, which seeps through the gaps between my fingers regardless of how tightly I hold them together, my Father's living water will stay in my hands forever, unless I let it go.
when I cup my hands together, there exists invisible, living water. unlike the water of this world, which seeps through the gaps between my fingers regardless of how tightly I hold them together, my Father's living water will stay in my hands forever, unless I let it go.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
life story
Writing is so pretty. My Sweetland professor assigned us to read some "writers on writing" articles. I went one after the other, wondering how the next one could possibly beat out the current one, and they just blew my mind away.
Alice Hoffman said in her article that "an insightful, experienced oncologist told me that cancer need not be a person's whole book, only a chapter. Still, novelists know that some chapters inform all others." I don't know if I live my life that way; when I look back on it now, I don't see chapters but specific people, vivid events. I'm fond of the memory of one of the people I admire, telling me how sincerely happy [they] were with the choice I made and inviting me to never back down again. I struggle to admit to the bullying I endured in ninth grade, and the vengeance that led to life change in tenth. There's no doubt that these memories have already been unintentionally altered in my mind though. "We...invent surrogate memories the better to make sense of our lives and live the life we know was truly ours...to see it as we wish others might see it" (Andre Aciman). So desirous to conform to others' judgment, in order to please ourselves sometimes.
In addition to natural insecurity, living with illness is not easy. I can gratefully testify to the load that has been taken off my heart since having been changed by the grace and love of God. The weakness is still there but I've learned to embrace the rawness of hope beyond simply struggling through. Hoffman says "ill people become more themselves, as if once the excess was stripped away only the truest core of themselves remained." This is justifiable to an extent: oftentimes illness wears away our tolerance and brings out our worst. My life group leader pointed out that when we face a challenging situation and act irresponsibly, the blame is not on the situation. Rather, we had that sin all along but did not actively recognize it until the obstacle came about and we were able to witness our reaction to it.
As a writer, I'm still unsure about my writing style, how to find it, and what I want to do if or when I ever find it. I wish I could be like one of the women novelist Sara Paretsky mentioned in her article, who "never thought that a book could tell them something about their lives until they read one of [hers]." And what does she write about? Stories that "are almost always those of voiceless people, not those of the powerful." This reminded me of the stories God writes, whether in the Bible or in testimonies. Once we were voiceless and hopeless, until He stepped in and we started living lives worth being heard.
"If a master storyteller like Dickens could find his most compelling stories within that landscape [of suffering], who am I to turn away from it?" (Paretsky). I want my story to be of fearlessness too. Despite the sins, sickness, voicelessness, and all other odds of this personal landscape, I want to willingly glorify God and I want that for you too.
Alice Hoffman said in her article that "an insightful, experienced oncologist told me that cancer need not be a person's whole book, only a chapter. Still, novelists know that some chapters inform all others." I don't know if I live my life that way; when I look back on it now, I don't see chapters but specific people, vivid events. I'm fond of the memory of one of the people I admire, telling me how sincerely happy [they] were with the choice I made and inviting me to never back down again. I struggle to admit to the bullying I endured in ninth grade, and the vengeance that led to life change in tenth. There's no doubt that these memories have already been unintentionally altered in my mind though. "We...invent surrogate memories the better to make sense of our lives and live the life we know was truly ours...to see it as we wish others might see it" (Andre Aciman). So desirous to conform to others' judgment, in order to please ourselves sometimes.
In addition to natural insecurity, living with illness is not easy. I can gratefully testify to the load that has been taken off my heart since having been changed by the grace and love of God. The weakness is still there but I've learned to embrace the rawness of hope beyond simply struggling through. Hoffman says "ill people become more themselves, as if once the excess was stripped away only the truest core of themselves remained." This is justifiable to an extent: oftentimes illness wears away our tolerance and brings out our worst. My life group leader pointed out that when we face a challenging situation and act irresponsibly, the blame is not on the situation. Rather, we had that sin all along but did not actively recognize it until the obstacle came about and we were able to witness our reaction to it.
As a writer, I'm still unsure about my writing style, how to find it, and what I want to do if or when I ever find it. I wish I could be like one of the women novelist Sara Paretsky mentioned in her article, who "never thought that a book could tell them something about their lives until they read one of [hers]." And what does she write about? Stories that "are almost always those of voiceless people, not those of the powerful." This reminded me of the stories God writes, whether in the Bible or in testimonies. Once we were voiceless and hopeless, until He stepped in and we started living lives worth being heard.
"If a master storyteller like Dickens could find his most compelling stories within that landscape [of suffering], who am I to turn away from it?" (Paretsky). I want my story to be of fearlessness too. Despite the sins, sickness, voicelessness, and all other odds of this personal landscape, I want to willingly glorify God and I want that for you too.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
thank you
I miss GLU so much my heart hurts..
One year ago, I prayed for a big and loving second-year lifegroup family that would embrace each other wholly and freely. I was so excited but so scared that God would give me the opposite..He did not and now it's become clear that He gave me so much more than what I asked for. I cannot believe how much He blessed me! I am really speechless. Not one second goes by that I am not thankful for GLU.
I am a wreck but God's love always carries me through. My lifegroup reminds me every single day.
Thank you.
One year ago, I prayed for a big and loving second-year lifegroup family that would embrace each other wholly and freely. I was so excited but so scared that God would give me the opposite..He did not and now it's become clear that He gave me so much more than what I asked for. I cannot believe how much He blessed me! I am really speechless. Not one second goes by that I am not thankful for GLU.
I am a wreck but God's love always carries me through. My lifegroup reminds me every single day.
Thank you.
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