It seems that even if I've "forgiven" people, God, and events, I still hold onto the memories for a long time afterwards not out of spite, but out of a reluctance to let go of a feeling I've held onto for so long.
My life group leader pointed this out to me, when she asked why the heck I was holding onto a job that proved useless, something I signed up for during the summer only out of bitterness towards God. I don't need it financially, and I don't need it to build character, because honestly, the only character-building I've gotten out of it was to how to serve food at a faster pace. I'm incredibly grateful to my co-workers, both the generous and irritable, but it's not a job worth anything more than a constant reminder of the frustrations of my past summer.
And I can't believe how good Bible study has been, the stories told so vivid that I am often reminded throughout my days of the lessons they teach. Am I going to let God touch this area of my life? Why must I have to be directly affected to be moved by Him? Am I only talking to this person out of obligation or out of a genuine desire to love? And furthermore, God recently pushed me out of all my comforts to apply for alternative spring break, and I went for it, solely for the motivation of pleasing Him. But then, when I started praying for revival yet at the same time worried that it might mean God would take that opportunity away, I got so confused about whether I was doing for Him anymore.. After all, I don't know about my chances of going on an ASB trip but it was the very opportunity I thought He had pushed me into going for in the first place. At what point in time did it too become tainted with selfish motives, like all the events of this past summer, another issue added to a long list of things I didn't want to let Him touch anymore?
In this way, either you keep holding onto these selfish treasures forever, or you surrender everything for His better plans, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). And it's so easy to believe, something you're so confident about, but why can't you go ahead and do it, taking that leap of faith?
