Ironically, I’m taking time out of a lecture for the one class I’m almost failing to write this and wallow in self-pity. Which may or may not come as a surprise, my lack of interest and/or attention in the subject behind the reason why I’m not doing so well in the first place.
One of the questions I’m often asked is, “Don’t you have to study?” Whereas everyone has picked up the art of diligence or at least the practice of spending more than a few hours on their homework and papers since freshman year of college, I have lost it. I’ve patted myself on the back for four years of motivated work in high school and then slipped. I’ve taken pride in the fact that yes, I am certain that I do not idolize studying because I spend about a quarter as much time on it than everyone else does.
Yeah. Definitely something that deserves pride, isn’t it?
My professor is now telling us, “People start to lose their memory retention at around the age of twenty.” And everyone just stares at him. He shrugs. “I’m just saying.” He’s vaguely referring to our midterm results. Simply put: I can’t just skim things anymore. Less rote memorization, more comprehension.
What do I do with all my free time? I talk to people and do crazy things and then I reflect on everything. There is nothing bad with reflection and nothing wrong with thinking, “Oh, God put me in this university so I can experience Him and these things!” But I am pretty sure that there is something definitely wrong if one doesn’t also simultaneously know, “Oh, God put me in this university to pursue a higher education (and more or less succeed in doing so),” which is…usually the more, if not only (for most people), obvious point. We can’t just walk around serving the church and serving people and reading the Bible and praying and reflecting all the time and not fully acknowledge the (at times, secular) reason we are even in college in the first place, not to mention the people who are paying our tuitions and waiting for results. We just can’t. Some intelligent people can do this and still juggle jobs and pass their classes with flying colors. Some people I love ponder that perhaps the college environment may just be a training field and that God really didn’t actually call them to get degrees. But this is not true for everyone, and it is certainly not true for me.
I’m really sad. About what’ll happen in this class, and in future classes if I can’t let everything I just wrote sink in. One brother told me yesterday, “I gotta stop the self pity and get my crap together.” Amen. Can’t say it any better.
