I am so...overwhelmed by God's provision of older sisters. I can't put my gratitude into words without it being undermined.
You know how everyone has been and will always secretly be in love with their first lifegroup (with few exceptions) whether they acknowledge it or not? I know all our lovebeta freshmen are, and I know that the bond we've created among ourselves goes a long way. Relishing our shared memories in a community where the outpouring of compassion was so purely out of our older brothers and sisters' love for God. Sharing in the knowledge that all three of us lived through something unforgettable, and knowing we can't get it back. Then again, we don't need to. We're carrying it.
I don't know, then, what made me believe all this time that my older lovebeta sisters do not know me well enough to help me. Yeah, I did not talk a lot in that lifegroup. I rarely shared anything personal, I rarely prayed out loud, and I rarely participated all that much in our bizarre conversations. But through it all, they drowned me in their grace and wisdom, and they pulled confessions out of me the way Jesus caught hundreds of fish without even laying a finger on the net. Lovebeta's been over since then, but their support has only increased all the more.
I say things along the lines of, "You only know the freshman me. You only know what I was like then, and I'm not like that anymore." And I think, I'm more messed up. I'm more confused and useless and scared than I ever was. That's the kind of person I'm like now. Like fear dominates my life. They look at me and laugh. "Tell me again, how much have we been through together?" A lot, I allow. They can relate, and they know what I'm going through. Usually, I can't tolerate when people think that, but with them, I'm absolutely relieved. They may not know exactly what it feels like to me, but, admit it or not, they certainly do know me.
"Love God and everything else will flow from there." This is what I have been learning. Do you know what that means? It means to love Him through the ups and downs, the wide and the narrow, the complicated and the simple. It means to bask in His presence and indulge in it until you're in tears. There is no mold, like I had always believed. There is no definite right, and no definite wrong. There are only possibilities, and God knows them all. He loves you because He gives them all to you and trusts you with them.
1 Timothy 1:12-14, The Lord's Grace to Paul
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
No pretense. No fears. Just His love, and everything that flows out of it.
