Who You love, I'll love; how You serve, I'll serve.
-Chris Tomlin
I want to say that 2010 has been the most influential year in my life, by far. I have never gone through so many ups and downs in such a small amount of time.
God is good. These are the highlights from this year:
January
• My parents let me go to winter retreat, and I went with high expectations. None of them were met, and I was so disappointed. I asked myself why this was, why I kept trying so hard to accept Christ, but I just could not. The Sunday morning before we left for home, our church was going to take communion. "If you take it and you are not a believer, you are bringing judgment onto yourself," P. Andrew said, and told us to go up by row. I felt panic; I knew everyone in my row was going to go and that I would be the only one left. I thought everyone would see that I still had not accepted Christ and feel pity for me. Then a thought came to mind: "Why do you always feel so judged? You are so insecure! But if you give your heart to Jesus, He will give you security. The judgment will wash away." I decided to accept Christ and take part in communion. It was out of fear and confusion and not wanting to feel judged, but I told myself it was now or never that I would take this leap of faith.
• Afterwards, I was going to just pretend like nothing happened and keep to myself because my mind was in such disarray about what had happened. But my life group leaders (JSA and Helen) noticed.. and they asked me about it. God used them to keep me accountable.
March
• My faith was so weak, and I did not want to get baptized. Also, I knew that if I were going to, it would be out of selfish motives. I told myself I would get baptized in December instead, to prove to myself that I was doing it not because I loved my life group (lovebeta) but because I loved God. However, Helen encouraged me to take baptism class anyway. I went through crazy spiritual battles but in the end she convinced me to get baptized, asking me, "Why not? If you do it now, satan will have lost you completely."
May
• I lost my relationship with God because He did not give me something I had prayed so hard for. Furthermore, only one sister (Angela) of four from the beginning of summer break was still keeping me accountable on a consistent and personal basis. I was so bitter, but now I am eternally grateful that God kept using her to reach out to me for the rest of the summer. She became the only string left that held me on to God. If it weren't for this, I would have fallen completely away.
September
• By the time school started up again, I was in a deep depression.. One night, I could not sleep at all because I was so filled with suicidal thoughts. Finally after six hours, I got out of bed and just started praying to God because I did not know what else to do. It was a miracle; He placed peace inside my heart and told me I had a purpose- to live out His will. I did not repent for this summer that night or for a while afterwards but He took me back anyway.
• Through reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller and through my new life group (GLU), I finally came to terms with what the gospel was, and how it applied to my life. It changed everything. Thank You Jesus.
November
• There was so much internal conflict I had with my life group.. I was having so much fun but there was no Christ love dwelling in us. I held my bitterness in until I could not stand it anymore, and I confessed to Angela and Katie, both of whom told me to seek the pastors' advice. I ended up talking to P. Seth, who told me that I needed to do a 180 in my expectations because lovebeta and GLU were such opposite extremes. He said just because God used my freshman year life group to stir up a passion for the Word, every life group wasn't going to be centered around the same thing. "I think this one is going to teach you about compassion," he told me. He was right.
• I admitted these struggles to my life group leader (Jessica) as well. Later, our life group came together and decided we needed to make some changes, beginning with prayer and intercession. And wow...God is so faithful - Matthew 18:19.
December
• God broke me in three different ways, showing me that
1- I lack intimacy and love for Him (IPT showed me how prayer led to a personal relationship; 12/6 entry)
2- I am unwilling to lay down my insecurities in order to serve others (12/12 sunday celebration; P. Seth; my GLU parents Jessica and Daron).
3- I had been slowly using the gospel more just as joy in my heart and not as much a means of taking action (spiritual battle; story of Lydia).
Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4
I have been so blessed! Praise the Lord Jesus! :)