I was thinking about you, thinking about me. Thinking about us, what we gonna be?
-Sam Tsui & Christina Grimmie (Nelly cover)
Why do all my inspirations come from songs? Hahaha. As I was listening to this cover, I thought about the depth of attachment that comes with loving a person, particularly in an intimate relationship. How, when the relationship is over, it feels like the whole world has suddenly decided to move on without you, birds singing and trees dancing with a sunny backdrop outside your window, ignoring you while you're alone in your enclosed, dark, miserable room, weeping to pieces. And nobody cares. And you don't want anybody to care except that one person. Yet one of you refuses to mend the relationship, so that brokenness just covers you and you're too upset to fight back.
Is that how you feel when you are away from God?
Not at all. I feel apathy. Exhaustion. Guilt.
What kind of relationship do I have with God then? The best way to describe it: give-and-take. The interactions I have with Him, they're just like a relationship with a roommate you don't know all too well. These are the issues I have:
1. Compromise
"Can I take a break from reading the Bible today please? I'll do it next week. I'm just too tired."
"Sure. Instead, how about we.."
"Actually can I just take a break from You?"
"All right, I'll wait for your return."
2. Sporadic sharing
"MY LIFE SUCKS. GOD PLEASE HELP ME. DO SOMETHING PLEASE."
"Okay, well can you at least try to.."
"I wish my schedule would just work out! I wish he would just LOOK at me! I wish my friend understood my.."
"Ahhh okay okay, calm down, I'm listening."
3. Confrontation
"God I know I haven't been hanging out with You lately. I'm sorry. I repent for.."
"Wow, great. I forgive you. Can you do this for me?"
"Um, I'm sorry, I think I'll do something else. I like doing that better."
4. Ignorance
"Wow I'm learning so much right now! I'm so blessed! With You, I can do anything!"
"Hahaha, yeah."
"I know with Your strength, I'll be able to overcome any obstacles! Let them come. Except don't let Your challenges interfere with this, this, and this, okay?"
"Actually, I wish you could give that up for Me."
"No, that will take away from my joy. Never mind, forget I asked!"
5. Debt
"You've been so good to me. I've been a jerk."
"Yes, I know."
"I owe you. Let me make it up to you by going to church more often."
"Um..."
6. Intimacy?
"Do You think we're close?"
"Well, do you love Me?"
"I think so. Sure!"
If this give-and-take relationship continues, how will I ever know God's heart? What are we going to be? The song says, when you don't give away all your love, you lose everything. And P. Seth once explained, love is not just emotional attachment but commitment. Love is not just a feeling but something that pushes you to become better, more compassionate, for someone else. And only by the power of the gospel will I ever learn to foster that kind of love, to take up my cross and lay down my life, everyday.
I wish I could be that willing, that thirsty for God. I want to live for Him that way.
