Most of my experiences with spiritual battle come from revisiting my (pre-christian) past.
Jeez...they never end. Is it that hard to erase such memories?
When I was in my weird almost-emo/rebel phase, I used to really like this song by Skye Sweetnam called "Fallen Through." It's about continuously falling into someone's trap, again and again, no matter how much you've tried to shove him out of your life.
Seeps in underneath the door
Sinks in and stains the floor
I don't know what to feel
Takes so long for these wounds to heal
Tell me it's not really real
Pretend she's singing about satan and how much he throws all the insecurities of a reckless past back in your face. That is what it feels like. Like poison bubbling in my chest, being pumped through my veins and shaking me up. It's that bad.
This is what I pray for in the new year: for my past to become a useless weapon to satan. Instead of being torn up every time I'm reminded of who I was, I want to be moved even more by the evidence of God's grace. I want to see how powerful it really is, how easily it can overcome the weaker power of satan's ploys. How it turned my life around 180 degrees in this past year, and how it will continue to change me in the present and future.
2011 ready!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
year wrap-up
Who You love, I'll love; how You serve, I'll serve.
-Chris Tomlin
I want to say that 2010 has been the most influential year in my life, by far. I have never gone through so many ups and downs in such a small amount of time.
God is good. These are the highlights from this year:
January
• My parents let me go to winter retreat, and I went with high expectations. None of them were met, and I was so disappointed. I asked myself why this was, why I kept trying so hard to accept Christ, but I just could not. The Sunday morning before we left for home, our church was going to take communion. "If you take it and you are not a believer, you are bringing judgment onto yourself," P. Andrew said, and told us to go up by row. I felt panic; I knew everyone in my row was going to go and that I would be the only one left. I thought everyone would see that I still had not accepted Christ and feel pity for me. Then a thought came to mind: "Why do you always feel so judged? You are so insecure! But if you give your heart to Jesus, He will give you security. The judgment will wash away." I decided to accept Christ and take part in communion. It was out of fear and confusion and not wanting to feel judged, but I told myself it was now or never that I would take this leap of faith.
• Afterwards, I was going to just pretend like nothing happened and keep to myself because my mind was in such disarray about what had happened. But my life group leaders (JSA and Helen) noticed.. and they asked me about it. God used them to keep me accountable.
March
• My faith was so weak, and I did not want to get baptized. Also, I knew that if I were going to, it would be out of selfish motives. I told myself I would get baptized in December instead, to prove to myself that I was doing it not because I loved my life group (lovebeta) but because I loved God. However, Helen encouraged me to take baptism class anyway. I went through crazy spiritual battles but in the end she convinced me to get baptized, asking me, "Why not? If you do it now, satan will have lost you completely."
May
• I lost my relationship with God because He did not give me something I had prayed so hard for. Furthermore, only one sister (Angela) of four from the beginning of summer break was still keeping me accountable on a consistent and personal basis. I was so bitter, but now I am eternally grateful that God kept using her to reach out to me for the rest of the summer. She became the only string left that held me on to God. If it weren't for this, I would have fallen completely away.
September
• By the time school started up again, I was in a deep depression.. One night, I could not sleep at all because I was so filled with suicidal thoughts. Finally after six hours, I got out of bed and just started praying to God because I did not know what else to do. It was a miracle; He placed peace inside my heart and told me I had a purpose- to live out His will. I did not repent for this summer that night or for a while afterwards but He took me back anyway.
• Through reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller and through my new life group (GLU), I finally came to terms with what the gospel was, and how it applied to my life. It changed everything. Thank You Jesus.
November
• There was so much internal conflict I had with my life group.. I was having so much fun but there was no Christ love dwelling in us. I held my bitterness in until I could not stand it anymore, and I confessed to Angela and Katie, both of whom told me to seek the pastors' advice. I ended up talking to P. Seth, who told me that I needed to do a 180 in my expectations because lovebeta and GLU were such opposite extremes. He said just because God used my freshman year life group to stir up a passion for the Word, every life group wasn't going to be centered around the same thing. "I think this one is going to teach you about compassion," he told me. He was right.
• I admitted these struggles to my life group leader (Jessica) as well. Later, our life group came together and decided we needed to make some changes, beginning with prayer and intercession. And wow...God is so faithful - Matthew 18:19.
December
• God broke me in three different ways, showing me that
1- I lack intimacy and love for Him (IPT showed me how prayer led to a personal relationship; 12/6 entry)
2- I am unwilling to lay down my insecurities in order to serve others (12/12 sunday celebration; P. Seth; my GLU parents Jessica and Daron).
3- I had been slowly using the gospel more just as joy in my heart and not as much a means of taking action (spiritual battle; story of Lydia).
Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4
I have been so blessed! Praise the Lord Jesus! :)
-Chris Tomlin
I want to say that 2010 has been the most influential year in my life, by far. I have never gone through so many ups and downs in such a small amount of time.
God is good. These are the highlights from this year:
January
• My parents let me go to winter retreat, and I went with high expectations. None of them were met, and I was so disappointed. I asked myself why this was, why I kept trying so hard to accept Christ, but I just could not. The Sunday morning before we left for home, our church was going to take communion. "If you take it and you are not a believer, you are bringing judgment onto yourself," P. Andrew said, and told us to go up by row. I felt panic; I knew everyone in my row was going to go and that I would be the only one left. I thought everyone would see that I still had not accepted Christ and feel pity for me. Then a thought came to mind: "Why do you always feel so judged? You are so insecure! But if you give your heart to Jesus, He will give you security. The judgment will wash away." I decided to accept Christ and take part in communion. It was out of fear and confusion and not wanting to feel judged, but I told myself it was now or never that I would take this leap of faith.
• Afterwards, I was going to just pretend like nothing happened and keep to myself because my mind was in such disarray about what had happened. But my life group leaders (JSA and Helen) noticed.. and they asked me about it. God used them to keep me accountable.
March
• My faith was so weak, and I did not want to get baptized. Also, I knew that if I were going to, it would be out of selfish motives. I told myself I would get baptized in December instead, to prove to myself that I was doing it not because I loved my life group (lovebeta) but because I loved God. However, Helen encouraged me to take baptism class anyway. I went through crazy spiritual battles but in the end she convinced me to get baptized, asking me, "Why not? If you do it now, satan will have lost you completely."
May
• I lost my relationship with God because He did not give me something I had prayed so hard for. Furthermore, only one sister (Angela) of four from the beginning of summer break was still keeping me accountable on a consistent and personal basis. I was so bitter, but now I am eternally grateful that God kept using her to reach out to me for the rest of the summer. She became the only string left that held me on to God. If it weren't for this, I would have fallen completely away.
September
• By the time school started up again, I was in a deep depression.. One night, I could not sleep at all because I was so filled with suicidal thoughts. Finally after six hours, I got out of bed and just started praying to God because I did not know what else to do. It was a miracle; He placed peace inside my heart and told me I had a purpose- to live out His will. I did not repent for this summer that night or for a while afterwards but He took me back anyway.
• Through reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller and through my new life group (GLU), I finally came to terms with what the gospel was, and how it applied to my life. It changed everything. Thank You Jesus.
November
• There was so much internal conflict I had with my life group.. I was having so much fun but there was no Christ love dwelling in us. I held my bitterness in until I could not stand it anymore, and I confessed to Angela and Katie, both of whom told me to seek the pastors' advice. I ended up talking to P. Seth, who told me that I needed to do a 180 in my expectations because lovebeta and GLU were such opposite extremes. He said just because God used my freshman year life group to stir up a passion for the Word, every life group wasn't going to be centered around the same thing. "I think this one is going to teach you about compassion," he told me. He was right.
• I admitted these struggles to my life group leader (Jessica) as well. Later, our life group came together and decided we needed to make some changes, beginning with prayer and intercession. And wow...God is so faithful - Matthew 18:19.
December
• God broke me in three different ways, showing me that
1- I lack intimacy and love for Him (IPT showed me how prayer led to a personal relationship; 12/6 entry)
2- I am unwilling to lay down my insecurities in order to serve others (12/12 sunday celebration; P. Seth; my GLU parents Jessica and Daron).
3- I had been slowly using the gospel more just as joy in my heart and not as much a means of taking action (spiritual battle; story of Lydia).
Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4
I have been so blessed! Praise the Lord Jesus! :)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
the lost sheep
“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.” Matthew 18:12-14
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’” Luke 15:4-6
Both my discipler and my life group leader constantly remind me of this parable, and I had such a good conversation with a brother about it last night.. God, please drill it into me! Every time I walk into life group, I have to remember that it's not about what I want out of it. Last year, I was so inconceivably lost. But He knows our hearts more than we do; He gave me everything I needed through my life group and I didn't even know it. I was clueless, yet I got incredibly blessed.
God, this year I've been very careless. I've been so unfaithful. Will you still use me in my life group for what's left of this school year? Not as one of the lost, but to serve those who are.. Teach me how to sacrifice my comfort and expectations and be used to help them grow. Teach me how to give, and how to give freely.
Our God is the kind who leaves the 99 that remain and goes after the one. Let's not just pray for ourselves, but for the lost.
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’” Luke 15:4-6
Both my discipler and my life group leader constantly remind me of this parable, and I had such a good conversation with a brother about it last night.. God, please drill it into me! Every time I walk into life group, I have to remember that it's not about what I want out of it. Last year, I was so inconceivably lost. But He knows our hearts more than we do; He gave me everything I needed through my life group and I didn't even know it. I was clueless, yet I got incredibly blessed.
God, this year I've been very careless. I've been so unfaithful. Will you still use me in my life group for what's left of this school year? Not as one of the lost, but to serve those who are.. Teach me how to sacrifice my comfort and expectations and be used to help them grow. Teach me how to give, and how to give freely.
Our God is the kind who leaves the 99 that remain and goes after the one. Let's not just pray for ourselves, but for the lost.
Monday, December 6, 2010
grow
I was thinking about you, thinking about me. Thinking about us, what we gonna be?
-Sam Tsui & Christina Grimmie (Nelly cover)
Why do all my inspirations come from songs? Hahaha. As I was listening to this cover, I thought about the depth of attachment that comes with loving a person, particularly in an intimate relationship. How, when the relationship is over, it feels like the whole world has suddenly decided to move on without you, birds singing and trees dancing with a sunny backdrop outside your window, ignoring you while you're alone in your enclosed, dark, miserable room, weeping to pieces. And nobody cares. And you don't want anybody to care except that one person. Yet one of you refuses to mend the relationship, so that brokenness just covers you and you're too upset to fight back.
Is that how you feel when you are away from God?
Not at all. I feel apathy. Exhaustion. Guilt.
What kind of relationship do I have with God then? The best way to describe it: give-and-take. The interactions I have with Him, they're just like a relationship with a roommate you don't know all too well. These are the issues I have:
1. Compromise
"Can I take a break from reading the Bible today please? I'll do it next week. I'm just too tired."
"Sure. Instead, how about we.."
"Actually can I just take a break from You?"
"All right, I'll wait for your return."
2. Sporadic sharing
"MY LIFE SUCKS. GOD PLEASE HELP ME. DO SOMETHING PLEASE."
"Okay, well can you at least try to.."
"I wish my schedule would just work out! I wish he would just LOOK at me! I wish my friend understood my.."
"Ahhh okay okay, calm down, I'm listening."
3. Confrontation
"God I know I haven't been hanging out with You lately. I'm sorry. I repent for.."
"Wow, great. I forgive you. Can you do this for me?"
"Um, I'm sorry, I think I'll do something else. I like doing that better."
4. Ignorance
"Wow I'm learning so much right now! I'm so blessed! With You, I can do anything!"
"Hahaha, yeah."
"I know with Your strength, I'll be able to overcome any obstacles! Let them come. Except don't let Your challenges interfere with this, this, and this, okay?"
"Actually, I wish you could give that up for Me."
"No, that will take away from my joy. Never mind, forget I asked!"
5. Debt
"You've been so good to me. I've been a jerk."
"Yes, I know."
"I owe you. Let me make it up to you by going to church more often."
"Um..."
6. Intimacy?
"Do You think we're close?"
"Well, do you love Me?"
"I think so. Sure!"
If this give-and-take relationship continues, how will I ever know God's heart? What are we going to be? The song says, when you don't give away all your love, you lose everything. And P. Seth once explained, love is not just emotional attachment but commitment. Love is not just a feeling but something that pushes you to become better, more compassionate, for someone else. And only by the power of the gospel will I ever learn to foster that kind of love, to take up my cross and lay down my life, everyday.
I wish I could be that willing, that thirsty for God. I want to live for Him that way.
-Sam Tsui & Christina Grimmie (Nelly cover)
Why do all my inspirations come from songs? Hahaha. As I was listening to this cover, I thought about the depth of attachment that comes with loving a person, particularly in an intimate relationship. How, when the relationship is over, it feels like the whole world has suddenly decided to move on without you, birds singing and trees dancing with a sunny backdrop outside your window, ignoring you while you're alone in your enclosed, dark, miserable room, weeping to pieces. And nobody cares. And you don't want anybody to care except that one person. Yet one of you refuses to mend the relationship, so that brokenness just covers you and you're too upset to fight back.
Is that how you feel when you are away from God?
Not at all. I feel apathy. Exhaustion. Guilt.
What kind of relationship do I have with God then? The best way to describe it: give-and-take. The interactions I have with Him, they're just like a relationship with a roommate you don't know all too well. These are the issues I have:
1. Compromise
"Can I take a break from reading the Bible today please? I'll do it next week. I'm just too tired."
"Sure. Instead, how about we.."
"Actually can I just take a break from You?"
"All right, I'll wait for your return."
2. Sporadic sharing
"MY LIFE SUCKS. GOD PLEASE HELP ME. DO SOMETHING PLEASE."
"Okay, well can you at least try to.."
"I wish my schedule would just work out! I wish he would just LOOK at me! I wish my friend understood my.."
"Ahhh okay okay, calm down, I'm listening."
3. Confrontation
"God I know I haven't been hanging out with You lately. I'm sorry. I repent for.."
"Wow, great. I forgive you. Can you do this for me?"
"Um, I'm sorry, I think I'll do something else. I like doing that better."
4. Ignorance
"Wow I'm learning so much right now! I'm so blessed! With You, I can do anything!"
"Hahaha, yeah."
"I know with Your strength, I'll be able to overcome any obstacles! Let them come. Except don't let Your challenges interfere with this, this, and this, okay?"
"Actually, I wish you could give that up for Me."
"No, that will take away from my joy. Never mind, forget I asked!"
5. Debt
"You've been so good to me. I've been a jerk."
"Yes, I know."
"I owe you. Let me make it up to you by going to church more often."
"Um..."
6. Intimacy?
"Do You think we're close?"
"Well, do you love Me?"
"I think so. Sure!"
If this give-and-take relationship continues, how will I ever know God's heart? What are we going to be? The song says, when you don't give away all your love, you lose everything. And P. Seth once explained, love is not just emotional attachment but commitment. Love is not just a feeling but something that pushes you to become better, more compassionate, for someone else. And only by the power of the gospel will I ever learn to foster that kind of love, to take up my cross and lay down my life, everyday.
I wish I could be that willing, that thirsty for God. I want to live for Him that way.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
survey: change
“How important is God in your life? Please use this scale to indicate. 10 means “very important” and 1 means “not at all important.”
Source: World Values Surveys and European Values Study, 1981‐2007.
"However, there has been an increase in the percentage of people who 'often' think about the meaning and purpose of life."
I see a pattern. Do you?
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