Whenever you knock me down, I will not stay on the ground.
-Justin Bieber :]
I remember watching this remake movie--"The Karate Kid"--with GLU the time we spent nine hours together in the same room. What a day... none of us wanted to go. Some of us played the same card game at least seven times even though we were getting tired of it because we did not want a reason to leave (we finally stopped playing to watch the movie together hahaha).
It is the most cliché plotline ever: Boy moves to foreign land and gets bullied. Then Jackie Chan saves the day and helps boy overcome his bullies. Even so, we got so into it, yelling at antagonists and cheering with Jaden Smith. Spoiler alert... It is incredible how he refused to back down against this bully who had been training kong fu all his life and, what's more, even won with a freshly broken leg (and face). Although I can't deny that this is a bizarrely unbelievable outcome, it just goes to represent how physical strength will almost always be submissive to heart strength.
This is a great reminder for me, because my physical problems always seem to take over instead and knock down my emotional and spiritual health. I used to, and occasionally still, have weird eating disorders that complicate things, and every time I fast, I get sick, which also brings me down. Thus, I am very cautious about my physical health, and I always struggle mentally during the months my immune system is weak.
But the heart is where the Holy Spirit works. And I've never before thought to give it the leading role.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
empty-handed
This morning, my life group leader prayed, in the midst of asking for welcoming hearts, that we would encounter someone significant today, someone who doesn't yet know Christ. And I was like, "Okay, most of the time this never actually happens but if on the off chance it does, I can deal with it!" And guess what happened?
I work at one of the dining halls. It's not a difficult job but there is a lot of people skills required and a LOT of patience+love needed. Last semester, it was not hard to be able to share my faith with a few co-workers because although most of them were atheist, they were open to hearing what I had to say. However, I eventually got to drag one to the Jaeson Ma event..and it was a disaster. We were on the balcony and as Jaeson Ma was preaching, my co-worker got really angry and was muttering condescending remarks like, "That's just your opinion!" and "Are you kidding me? The last thing China needs is Jesus!" Everyone kept staring at us, and (Strike 1) I felt so embarrassed. Then, when we were asked to stand or lift up our hands, my co-worker just looked at me and said sarcastically, "Why don't you do it? Ignore me, and just do what everyone else is doing, since you're so into this stuff." Because I didn't want to succumb to his ridicule, (Strike 2) I just sat there, angry at myself for even bringing him. Eventually, we had to pray in groups and that's when my co-worker decided to leave. I was (guiltily) washed with relief. On the way out, I asked, "Did you enjoy it?" and he said, "It was..okay." He reassured me that he would continue to respect my faith, and then he was gone. That rest of the night, I thought over all the things he had said and watched as people repented and wept and praised the Lord. My bitterness was building up, and I got pissed, just so pissed, cynically thinking about why these nights of tears don't happen as often as they should and telling myself that if they did, then I would have been so much bolder with my faith. And (Strike 3) I refused to let God in for a long time after that. Instead of ministering to my co-worker, I fell into step alongside him on the wrong path.
Tonight, one of my (strong-minded) co-workers was talking about a play she wanted to audition for, called In the Beginning. "It's making fun of the Bible," she said. "I want to be the Virgin Mary!" My coordinator was also there, and he said, "I want to audition too! I want to be Jesus!" As they laughed and criticized the ridiculous beliefs of Christians, I just stood there, speechless while piling fruits and remembering the words of my life group leader this morning. I pray that we will meet someone special today, that we will be able to speak into their lives and build up a relationship with them through which they'll know Christ. I stood there until my coordinator left, so then it was just me and the girl. I asked God, "Should I stay on this topic? Should I ask her about her beliefs? Tell me what I should do!" And I felt God just standing there, next to me, saying with a divine calmness, "I'm not going to convict you this time. It's up to you. It's your own choice."
Twenty silent minutes later, I told myself it was too awkward to bring the topic up again and then I went to cut some marble torte cake. Next time, if she brings it up again, I'll ask. I'll ask and share with her for sure. After work, I met with my pre-Christian LCG and she just challenged me all over again about why I even believed in God. I left that meeting so aware of how young I was in my faith--not in a time-wise, self-justifying way, but rather in my lack of desperation to know Him more. I marveled over how much I sucked at being a good witness. Sorry Jessica, I put your prayer to waste. I let God down again.
How well do you know the Word? Not well at all. And how willing are you to join the feet of those who bring Good News? Not willing enough.
So do something about it.
I work at one of the dining halls. It's not a difficult job but there is a lot of people skills required and a LOT of patience+love needed. Last semester, it was not hard to be able to share my faith with a few co-workers because although most of them were atheist, they were open to hearing what I had to say. However, I eventually got to drag one to the Jaeson Ma event..and it was a disaster. We were on the balcony and as Jaeson Ma was preaching, my co-worker got really angry and was muttering condescending remarks like, "That's just your opinion!" and "Are you kidding me? The last thing China needs is Jesus!" Everyone kept staring at us, and (Strike 1) I felt so embarrassed. Then, when we were asked to stand or lift up our hands, my co-worker just looked at me and said sarcastically, "Why don't you do it? Ignore me, and just do what everyone else is doing, since you're so into this stuff." Because I didn't want to succumb to his ridicule, (Strike 2) I just sat there, angry at myself for even bringing him. Eventually, we had to pray in groups and that's when my co-worker decided to leave. I was (guiltily) washed with relief. On the way out, I asked, "Did you enjoy it?" and he said, "It was..okay." He reassured me that he would continue to respect my faith, and then he was gone. That rest of the night, I thought over all the things he had said and watched as people repented and wept and praised the Lord. My bitterness was building up, and I got pissed, just so pissed, cynically thinking about why these nights of tears don't happen as often as they should and telling myself that if they did, then I would have been so much bolder with my faith. And (Strike 3) I refused to let God in for a long time after that. Instead of ministering to my co-worker, I fell into step alongside him on the wrong path.
Tonight, one of my (strong-minded) co-workers was talking about a play she wanted to audition for, called In the Beginning. "It's making fun of the Bible," she said. "I want to be the Virgin Mary!" My coordinator was also there, and he said, "I want to audition too! I want to be Jesus!" As they laughed and criticized the ridiculous beliefs of Christians, I just stood there, speechless while piling fruits and remembering the words of my life group leader this morning. I pray that we will meet someone special today, that we will be able to speak into their lives and build up a relationship with them through which they'll know Christ. I stood there until my coordinator left, so then it was just me and the girl. I asked God, "Should I stay on this topic? Should I ask her about her beliefs? Tell me what I should do!" And I felt God just standing there, next to me, saying with a divine calmness, "I'm not going to convict you this time. It's up to you. It's your own choice."
Twenty silent minutes later, I told myself it was too awkward to bring the topic up again and then I went to cut some marble torte cake. Next time, if she brings it up again, I'll ask. I'll ask and share with her for sure. After work, I met with my pre-Christian LCG and she just challenged me all over again about why I even believed in God. I left that meeting so aware of how young I was in my faith--not in a time-wise, self-justifying way, but rather in my lack of desperation to know Him more. I marveled over how much I sucked at being a good witness. Sorry Jessica, I put your prayer to waste. I let God down again.
How well do you know the Word? Not well at all. And how willing are you to join the feet of those who bring Good News? Not willing enough.
So do something about it.
Friday, February 4, 2011
compassion
Journaling.
My life group was talking about this a lot this past Wednesday, probably because Pastor Seth just gave a sermon on it. Not just about journaling now though, but also about looking back.
Afterwards, I also got a chance to look back, through my freshman year "dear God" journal. Honestly, it was not much different from a normal journal: most of the time, I just went on and on about my day and then thanked God and told him to bless the next.
But after reading for a while, I began to notice a pattern. I had been REALLY thankful...not just for His grace, which I didn't know much about, but simply, for people. Every single day, I generally wrote one or more of these:
1. "God, I saw this person today and I never get to see him/her! I don't know what that means but thank you for letting me see them again!"
2. "This person introduced him/herself to me today. I know you're putting them in my life for some reason...I look forward to getting to know them more."
3. "I love so-and-so! This is what they are like. [name] and [name] are really great people, and I'm going to do this for them."
4. "I get to see my lifegroup today. This is what we are going to do. I can't wait! Thank you so much for them!"
Seeing all these names and all this gratitude for them and for God just makes me want to cry.. I never thank God so specifically anymore, never pray for people I don't feel obligated to pray for as much as I used to, never take enough time to just relish how He's worked in others' lives too these days.
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39
I love God, and I love His people! BUT, love can't just be about spending time with those we're more comfortable with or praying for them only when we feel like we need to.. The world might as well come to an end if that were true. I need to be taught compassion! I lack a heart of servitude.
My life group was talking about this a lot this past Wednesday, probably because Pastor Seth just gave a sermon on it. Not just about journaling now though, but also about looking back.
Afterwards, I also got a chance to look back, through my freshman year "dear God" journal. Honestly, it was not much different from a normal journal: most of the time, I just went on and on about my day and then thanked God and told him to bless the next.
But after reading for a while, I began to notice a pattern. I had been REALLY thankful...not just for His grace, which I didn't know much about, but simply, for people. Every single day, I generally wrote one or more of these:
1. "God, I saw this person today and I never get to see him/her! I don't know what that means but thank you for letting me see them again!"
2. "This person introduced him/herself to me today. I know you're putting them in my life for some reason...I look forward to getting to know them more."
3. "I love so-and-so! This is what they are like. [name] and [name] are really great people, and I'm going to do this for them."
4. "I get to see my lifegroup today. This is what we are going to do. I can't wait! Thank you so much for them!"
Seeing all these names and all this gratitude for them and for God just makes me want to cry.. I never thank God so specifically anymore, never pray for people I don't feel obligated to pray for as much as I used to, never take enough time to just relish how He's worked in others' lives too these days.
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39
I love God, and I love His people! BUT, love can't just be about spending time with those we're more comfortable with or praying for them only when we feel like we need to.. The world might as well come to an end if that were true. I need to be taught compassion! I lack a heart of servitude.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
humility
I definitely...needed for this to happen today. Brokenness feels so tiring, bittersweet, sad, and disappointing.
The dangers of riding on God's grace? You easily find yourself taking it for granted. You end up asking for more. I am not cautious enough.
There's total relief in finding that although I lost what I wanted, I don't feel any negativity towards Him. Through this experience, He's laid out in front of me these fears and failures I can't stop hiding behind anymore. Grow up, child. You can't rest beneath the shelter of your family's and church's security forever.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
What are you so afraid of?
Why can't you take risks?
Why are you so quick to draw back and escape?
The problem is not in the path I take. It's in the fear that my path will lead to failure. I constantly feel like I set myself up for disappointment. Who becomes an English major when the world is in recession? Who aspires to be a writer when the publishing industry is crumbling under the weight of change? I had forgotten that God chose this path for me, and that His sovereignty always prevails. In my weakening grip, I become, honestly, DEATHLY scared. One tiny shortcoming tips the entire balance scale.
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
What mercy was revealed; what selflessness and peace. My fate was surely sealed, until He rescued me. -Starfield, "The Saving One"
Can I stop living selfishly? Will I please?
The dangers of riding on God's grace? You easily find yourself taking it for granted. You end up asking for more. I am not cautious enough.
There's total relief in finding that although I lost what I wanted, I don't feel any negativity towards Him. Through this experience, He's laid out in front of me these fears and failures I can't stop hiding behind anymore. Grow up, child. You can't rest beneath the shelter of your family's and church's security forever.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
What are you so afraid of?
Why can't you take risks?
Why are you so quick to draw back and escape?
The problem is not in the path I take. It's in the fear that my path will lead to failure. I constantly feel like I set myself up for disappointment. Who becomes an English major when the world is in recession? Who aspires to be a writer when the publishing industry is crumbling under the weight of change? I had forgotten that God chose this path for me, and that His sovereignty always prevails. In my weakening grip, I become, honestly, DEATHLY scared. One tiny shortcoming tips the entire balance scale.
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
What mercy was revealed; what selflessness and peace. My fate was surely sealed, until He rescued me. -Starfield, "The Saving One"
Can I stop living selfishly? Will I please?
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