the tank man

This well-known incident always comes up in my comparative politics classes: .

Of all my time learning about China and the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre in middle and high school, our teachers never showed this. I wonder if it’s because this man’s actions were too radical for our young minds. I remember the first time I saw this only last year, I thought it was some crazy old man, and his family running to drag him away before he started doing crazier things. Later, I found out it was a university student. My age.

Talking publicly about the massacre is banned in China. When reporters try to get Chinese residents’ opinions about it, they immediately shake their heads and walk away out of fear. After all, a large protest for democracy is not the coolest thing to do in a repressive, conservative socialist government.

So as the government sent tanks loaded up with ammunition and scary violent equipment to take out these thousands of protestors, the majority being university students, I could never imagine that someone would take this kind of action. To walk out right in front of a loaded army tank and yell and wave your arms around and even climb on top of it…what the heck? Oh my gosh! I would die! This is the most courageous action I’ve ever seen, and to this day, no one has figured out who this guy even is. He must have really been possessed by something powerful. The men in that tank must have been equally bold not to have shot him.

To me, this is the most inspiring kind of human sacrifice. Not sacrificing consciously, so that you can publish your feats in a book later or tell them in a testimony. But courage as a crazy anonymous person, totally on fire for something greater than yourself.

self-righteous

When I was younger, I remember thinking I was always justified when I got bitter at other people. My moods have fluctuated like crazy ever since the depression I suffered years ago but I never blamed myself for them because I told myself I was right anyway. Everyone else was of fault, less good and less understanding.

Matthew 7:3-5
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

I love this passage, and for some reason, this is one of those that more often pops into my head and won't get out. That's how ridiculously self-righteous I am, that God has to remind me of those three verses constantly.

Jessica (my spiritual momma!) probed me today about my decision-making. Why do you always decide based on your emotions? Why do you always let your mood get in the way of obeying God? Don't just dismiss upsetting things as bad things. Lifting burdens from your heart doesn't equate to tossing them away. It means bringing those burdens to God.

She must have talked for about thirty minutes straight. Which breaks her twenty-minute record from fall semester that happened to have taken place at the very same restaurant.
"If only your prayers were that long," I joked after she had finished, and she laughed.
But honestly, I have no doubt her prayers are even longer. And secretly, I wish I could talk that passionately about seeking God, and I wish my prayers were even half as long.

Selfishness is something that I'll never be able to climb out of completely. "Consider the movie of life...From start to finish, this movie is obviously about God. He is the main character," Francis Chan wrote in Crazy Love. I think of it like, what good is it to be cast as an extra in a movie and instead of doing what you're told, you run around rebelling and complaining about the environment, the props, and your fellow extras? In the end, the director will just yell "cut!" and throw you out of his movie. Even though God loves you enough to give you second (and third and fourth) chances, Jessica pointed out: "why would you take advantage of His love (and keep rebelling)?"

But with this in mind, I know I still suck at playing even such a minute role in that movie of life. God, please discipline me in Your love!


(P.S.)


"But the goodness is something you don't have to chase 'cause it's following you."

shelter

I always hear people telling me how easy to see Christians who were churched all their lives as sheltered. With this come harsh comments and "it's so unfair." But I even have agnostic friends who are sheltered this way. Though less so, they're vulnerable to this criticism as well. They get upset over the smallest things. They throw temper tantrums over the most minor details. My roommate says, "They had a relatively decent life. Small things affect them more than they do us."

And who wants to be criticized for something they couldn't have controlled?

But now I also know, how sheltered I am. How I've complained about my insecurities and blamed my mental illnesses to reveal how imperfect I am and be accepted. How much I open up with what I've gone through in order to avoid this judgment and distinguish myself from also being labeled as "sheltered."

Jayesslee sang a cover of "Coming Home" a while back, and they rewrote some of the verses: "we were inspired tell a story of a lost man who had nothing left after wasting his fortune on all the wrong things." A big chunk of what they wrote goes like this:

Wasn't a moment where it was easy
Makin' sure I stayed outta line
Took everything that was mine
But what was even mine to begin with?
Now that I've come to my senses
I now see the answers.

I can only imagine this man as someone who grew up in a wealthy and content background, wasting his life away because he didn't know any better. And now as he approaches the end of it, he sees how stupidly he acted. "But what was even mine to begin with?" God gave him the riches of the world but because he selfishly used it to build a crazy life story for himself instead of for God, he lost everything.

Job once said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away."

So when will people stop criticizing each others' backgrounds and comparing misfortunes? Making sure their testimony is the best so they can avoid labels and wow a bigger audience? God is the only one who sovereignly gives and takes. He is also the one and only Judge.