最爱还是你，这是我的决定。-唐禹哲
(I have decided that the one I love most is you. -Danson Tang)
I'm always wondering, sometimes too much, when I first people, why God is putting that person into my life. Right now, the strongest example would probably be lifegroup. Why is that person I really wanted to get to know not in it? Why wasn't I put with someone I can't stand even though I deserve it (what a relief!)? Why all these people who are new? And I guess lifegroup is supposed to be awkward at first this way, mysterious and uncertain, but it was much easier than I had prepared myself for. I've stumbled around so long at church, scared to be myself yet at the same time feeling judged for portraying someone I'm not, ready to give up. But God's love pulled me through, and for the first time, I have nothing to hold back. I've never felt so secure.
I have to admit that I purposely signed up for and did certain things in order to excuse myself from a lot of church events this semester. But God immediately called me out in the beginning, convincing me to readjust my priorities and be even more committed. So I go for this strong commitment, eventually discovering with patience how it connects with my newfound sense of security, and then suddenly He switches gears with a "oh by the way, here are some time conflicts...oh and some relational issues...and white lies you need to tell, just to shake things up."
What does that mean?!?! It means I either have to compromise my commitment, or sacrifice my outside responsibilities. And God knows, I'd rather give up my commitment to church than give up those other obligations, even if I'm doing all of them for myself and other people, in a situation where their opinions come first and God's comes second. Maybe my perspective is just off, and God really wants to work through and test me outside of dependency on church after building me up all this while. But decisions need to made, all the time, and time walks all over you if you don't walk with it.
