courage

PTL. Sin of fear slowly getting conquered, piece by piece, trial by trial. I've never in my life done or wanted to do what I got to do today, and I've also never felt that brave. The aftermath was overwhelming, butterflies-in-my-stomach, shuddering-like-it's-the-dead-of-winter kind of nervousness and relief. Courage only God can give.

Afterwards, He told me,

It is not about your reputation, your relationships with others, your life group, your church, your contributions, your work ethic, your intelligence, your creativity, your past, your future, your flaws, your emotions, your pain, your money, your education, or even why you are who you are. Most of these things are important in the process of things. Some of them you do need to work on. But how many times do I have to tell you? You are not reaching out in order to build relationships. You are not contributing for the sake of contributing. These things should be part of the process, not the goal. Instead, you should be doing all these things for my glory, and mine alone.. For if you struggle or collapse in one area, it does no good to yell at me as you have in the past, but it does all the wonders in the world to thank me for the trial, then courageously ask for my help.

this is so beautiful :)

Words I Couldn't Say - Leighton Meester (country cover)


In a book, in a box, in the closet
In a line, in a song I once heard
In a moment on a front porch late one June
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon

There it was at the tips of my fingers
There it was on the tip of my tongue
There you were and I had never been that far
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms
And I let it all slip away

What do I do now that you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say

There's a rain that will never stop falling
There's a wall that I tried to take down
What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips
So I held back and now we've come to this
And it's too late now.

I'm aware of what the real message is, but for me, the song resonates with the lack of confidence I have in praying out loud.. What are you so afraid of? The opportunity God is asking for to speak through you is given only once in that one instance, that one specific moment in time. There is no going back to relive it, and you can only try again in the future, in another setting. In a similar way,

1 Corinthians 14:16-17 If you are praising God with your spirit, how can one who finds himself among those who do not understand say "Amen" to your thanksgiving, since he does not know what you are saying? You may be giving thanks well enough, but the other man is not edified.

The unspoken words of the past will never exist except in your regret. There is no second chance.. Thus, in the words of Taylor Swift, speak now. :)

my november guest

Robert Frost, 1915.

My Sorrow, when she's here with me,
Thinks these dark days of autumn rain
Are beautiful as days can be;
She loves the bare, the withered tree;
She walks the sodden pasture lane.

Her pleasure will not let me stay.
She talks and I am fain to list:
She's glad the birds are gone away,
She's glad her simple worsted grey
Is silver now with clinging mist.

The desolate, deserted trees,
The faded earth, the heavy sky,
The beauties she so truly sees,
She thinks I have no eye for these,
And vexes me for reason why.

Not yesterday I learned to know
The love of bare November days
Before the coming of the snow,
But it were vain to tell her so,
And they are better for her praise.

The best part about this poem.. is not the nature or the personification of sorrow, but the speaker's transformation, upon finally receiving the ability to love that which he once always found so difficult to love.

FAVORITE books.

Here you go!

1. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger

I don't know ANYONE who didn't like Catcher in the Rye. I thought it was funny and terribly depressing at the same time. It's about a boy who gets kicked out of boarding school for the billionth time and just wanders around, finding things for himself to do in a very whimsical and, at times, passive-aggressive way.





2. The Glass Castle, Jeannette Walls

I wrote one of my umich application essays on this novel because it is SO GOOD. It's so honest and endearing, detailing a very lively family lifestyle headed by an intellectual but destructive alcoholic father.







3. The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd

The reason why I really, really like it while a lot of people don't is probably because it's kind of girly and doesn't have any particularly engaging direction. It's a coming-of-age novel about a fourteen-year-old girl somewhat tracing her deceased mother's footsteps. I love the way she thinks because it's so much like my own thought process.. I think I've gushed about beekeeping too before :).




4. The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have liked The Great Gatsby if we hadn't dissected it in high school. But I'm so glad we did because there is a heck lot of symbolism and talk about the American dream, which can get really sentimental and deep. I'm sure most of you have already read it for school though!




5. Le Petit Prince, Antoine Saint-Exupery

AHH. I love the complex simplicity of this book. It's so cute but it's crazy deep. Read ittt :) If you can read French, I'll let you borrow my copy!







6. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Betty Smith

I think I just really like historical coming-of-age stories. And symbolism of trees :) This novel also talks a lot about the American dream too, and the early 1900s American education system, both of which are SUPER interesting, in all seriousness.

scratching the surface

Like You spilled Your blood, I spill my heart as an offering.
-Hillsong

I really got broken at this past retreat. Always when that happens, I get stubborn. Most of the time I get angry or irritated at God, and myself. This time I'm so sad.. I've realized that I relish this handful of relationships in my life that have become tainted with satan's work. I love these people, and I love their approval and being on good terms with them so much yet I can't keep on this way with them because satan has indirectly used each of them to hurt my relationship with God.

Are you willing to sacrifice human relationships for a stronger relationship with God? At one time I thought this wasn't possible, because doesn't God want you to build relationships and love people? But an older sister told me, loving someone doesn't mean becoming best friends with them, or hanging out with them often, as Christ-centered as it may be. Loving someone sometimes means confronting the fact that the person is causing you to idolize and sin, and it means sacrificing that relationship with him or her for the glory of God. Even if neither of you have done anything particularly wrong to each other, satan's messed with your feelings and your motives, and the consequences all wound your heart.

So the only way to let God heal your heart, is to let go...