Monday, January 17, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
life story
Writing is so pretty. My Sweetland professor assigned us to read some "writers on writing" articles. I went one after the other, wondering how the next one could possibly beat out the current one, and they just blew my mind away.
Alice Hoffman said in her article that "an insightful, experienced oncologist told me that cancer need not be a person's whole book, only a chapter. Still, novelists know that some chapters inform all others." I don't know if I live my life that way; when I look back on it now, I don't see chapters but specific people, vivid events. I'm fond of the memory of one of the people I admire, telling me how sincerely happy [they] were with the choice I made and inviting me to never back down again. I struggle to admit to the bullying I endured in ninth grade, and the vengeance that led to life change in tenth. There's no doubt that these memories have already been unintentionally altered in my mind though. "We...invent surrogate memories the better to make sense of our lives and live the life we know was truly ours...to see it as we wish others might see it" (Andre Aciman). So desirous to conform to others' judgment, in order to please ourselves sometimes.
In addition to natural insecurity, living with illness is not easy. I can gratefully testify to the load that has been taken off my heart since having been changed by the grace and love of God. The weakness is still there but I've learned to embrace the rawness of hope beyond simply struggling through. Hoffman says "ill people become more themselves, as if once the excess was stripped away only the truest core of themselves remained." This is justifiable to an extent: oftentimes illness wears away our tolerance and brings out our worst. My life group leader pointed out that when we face a challenging situation and act irresponsibly, the blame is not on the situation. Rather, we had that sin all along but did not actively recognize it until the obstacle came about and we were able to witness our reaction to it.
As a writer, I'm still unsure about my writing style, how to find it, and what I want to do if or when I ever find it. I wish I could be like one of the women novelist Sara Paretsky mentioned in her article, who "never thought that a book could tell them something about their lives until they read one of [hers]." And what does she write about? Stories that "are almost always those of voiceless people, not those of the powerful." This reminded me of the stories God writes, whether in the Bible or in testimonies. Once we were voiceless and hopeless, until He stepped in and we started living lives worth being heard.
"If a master storyteller like Dickens could find his most compelling stories within that landscape [of suffering], who am I to turn away from it?" (Paretsky). I want my story to be of fearlessness too. Despite the sins, sickness, voicelessness, and all other odds of this personal landscape, I want to willingly glorify God and I want that for you too.
Alice Hoffman said in her article that "an insightful, experienced oncologist told me that cancer need not be a person's whole book, only a chapter. Still, novelists know that some chapters inform all others." I don't know if I live my life that way; when I look back on it now, I don't see chapters but specific people, vivid events. I'm fond of the memory of one of the people I admire, telling me how sincerely happy [they] were with the choice I made and inviting me to never back down again. I struggle to admit to the bullying I endured in ninth grade, and the vengeance that led to life change in tenth. There's no doubt that these memories have already been unintentionally altered in my mind though. "We...invent surrogate memories the better to make sense of our lives and live the life we know was truly ours...to see it as we wish others might see it" (Andre Aciman). So desirous to conform to others' judgment, in order to please ourselves sometimes.
In addition to natural insecurity, living with illness is not easy. I can gratefully testify to the load that has been taken off my heart since having been changed by the grace and love of God. The weakness is still there but I've learned to embrace the rawness of hope beyond simply struggling through. Hoffman says "ill people become more themselves, as if once the excess was stripped away only the truest core of themselves remained." This is justifiable to an extent: oftentimes illness wears away our tolerance and brings out our worst. My life group leader pointed out that when we face a challenging situation and act irresponsibly, the blame is not on the situation. Rather, we had that sin all along but did not actively recognize it until the obstacle came about and we were able to witness our reaction to it.
As a writer, I'm still unsure about my writing style, how to find it, and what I want to do if or when I ever find it. I wish I could be like one of the women novelist Sara Paretsky mentioned in her article, who "never thought that a book could tell them something about their lives until they read one of [hers]." And what does she write about? Stories that "are almost always those of voiceless people, not those of the powerful." This reminded me of the stories God writes, whether in the Bible or in testimonies. Once we were voiceless and hopeless, until He stepped in and we started living lives worth being heard.
"If a master storyteller like Dickens could find his most compelling stories within that landscape [of suffering], who am I to turn away from it?" (Paretsky). I want my story to be of fearlessness too. Despite the sins, sickness, voicelessness, and all other odds of this personal landscape, I want to willingly glorify God and I want that for you too.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
thank you
I miss GLU so much my heart hurts..
One year ago, I prayed for a big and loving second-year lifegroup family that would embrace each other wholly and freely. I was so excited but so scared that God would give me the opposite..He did not and now it's become clear that He gave me so much more than what I asked for. I cannot believe how much He blessed me! I am really speechless. Not one second goes by that I am not thankful for GLU.
I am a wreck but God's love always carries me through. My lifegroup reminds me every single day.
Thank you.
One year ago, I prayed for a big and loving second-year lifegroup family that would embrace each other wholly and freely. I was so excited but so scared that God would give me the opposite..He did not and now it's become clear that He gave me so much more than what I asked for. I cannot believe how much He blessed me! I am really speechless. Not one second goes by that I am not thankful for GLU.
I am a wreck but God's love always carries me through. My lifegroup reminds me every single day.
Thank you.
Friday, December 31, 2010
rise above
Most of my experiences with spiritual battle come from revisiting my (pre-christian) past.
Jeez...they never end. Is it that hard to erase such memories?
When I was in my weird almost-emo/rebel phase, I used to really like this song by Skye Sweetnam called "Fallen Through." It's about continuously falling into someone's trap, again and again, no matter how much you've tried to shove him out of your life.
Seeps in underneath the door
Sinks in and stains the floor
I don't know what to feel
Takes so long for these wounds to heal
Tell me it's not really real
Pretend she's singing about satan and how much he throws all the insecurities of a reckless past back in your face. That is what it feels like. Like poison bubbling in my chest, being pumped through my veins and shaking me up. It's that bad.
This is what I pray for in the new year: for my past to become a useless weapon to satan. Instead of being torn up every time I'm reminded of who I was, I want to be moved even more by the evidence of God's grace. I want to see how powerful it really is, how easily it can overcome the weaker power of satan's ploys. How it turned my life around 180 degrees in this past year, and how it will continue to change me in the present and future.
2011 ready!
Jeez...they never end. Is it that hard to erase such memories?
When I was in my weird almost-emo/rebel phase, I used to really like this song by Skye Sweetnam called "Fallen Through." It's about continuously falling into someone's trap, again and again, no matter how much you've tried to shove him out of your life.
Seeps in underneath the door
Sinks in and stains the floor
I don't know what to feel
Takes so long for these wounds to heal
Tell me it's not really real
Pretend she's singing about satan and how much he throws all the insecurities of a reckless past back in your face. That is what it feels like. Like poison bubbling in my chest, being pumped through my veins and shaking me up. It's that bad.
This is what I pray for in the new year: for my past to become a useless weapon to satan. Instead of being torn up every time I'm reminded of who I was, I want to be moved even more by the evidence of God's grace. I want to see how powerful it really is, how easily it can overcome the weaker power of satan's ploys. How it turned my life around 180 degrees in this past year, and how it will continue to change me in the present and future.
2011 ready!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
year wrap-up
Who You love, I'll love; how You serve, I'll serve.
-Chris Tomlin
I want to say that 2010 has been the most influential year in my life, by far. I have never gone through so many ups and downs in such a small amount of time.
God is good. These are the highlights from this year:
January
• My parents let me go to winter retreat, and I went with high expectations. None of them were met, and I was so disappointed. I asked myself why this was, why I kept trying so hard to accept Christ, but I just could not. The Sunday morning before we left for home, our church was going to take communion. "If you take it and you are not a believer, you are bringing judgment onto yourself," P. Andrew said, and told us to go up by row. I felt panic; I knew everyone in my row was going to go and that I would be the only one left. I thought everyone would see that I still had not accepted Christ and feel pity for me. Then a thought came to mind: "Why do you always feel so judged? You are so insecure! But if you give your heart to Jesus, He will give you security. The judgment will wash away." I decided to accept Christ and take part in communion. It was out of fear and confusion and not wanting to feel judged, but I told myself it was now or never that I would take this leap of faith.
• Afterwards, I was going to just pretend like nothing happened and keep to myself because my mind was in such disarray about what had happened. But my life group leaders (JSA and Helen) noticed.. and they asked me about it. God used them to keep me accountable.
March
• My faith was so weak, and I did not want to get baptized. Also, I knew that if I were going to, it would be out of selfish motives. I told myself I would get baptized in December instead, to prove to myself that I was doing it not because I loved my life group (lovebeta) but because I loved God. However, Helen encouraged me to take baptism class anyway. I went through crazy spiritual battles but in the end she convinced me to get baptized, asking me, "Why not? If you do it now, satan will have lost you completely."
May
• I lost my relationship with God because He did not give me something I had prayed so hard for. Furthermore, only one sister (Angela) of four from the beginning of summer break was still keeping me accountable on a consistent and personal basis. I was so bitter, but now I am eternally grateful that God kept using her to reach out to me for the rest of the summer. She became the only string left that held me on to God. If it weren't for this, I would have fallen completely away.
September
• By the time school started up again, I was in a deep depression.. One night, I could not sleep at all because I was so filled with suicidal thoughts. Finally after six hours, I got out of bed and just started praying to God because I did not know what else to do. It was a miracle; He placed peace inside my heart and told me I had a purpose- to live out His will. I did not repent for this summer that night or for a while afterwards but He took me back anyway.
• Through reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller and through my new life group (GLU), I finally came to terms with what the gospel was, and how it applied to my life. It changed everything. Thank You Jesus.
November
• There was so much internal conflict I had with my life group.. I was having so much fun but there was no Christ love dwelling in us. I held my bitterness in until I could not stand it anymore, and I confessed to Angela and Katie, both of whom told me to seek the pastors' advice. I ended up talking to P. Seth, who told me that I needed to do a 180 in my expectations because lovebeta and GLU were such opposite extremes. He said just because God used my freshman year life group to stir up a passion for the Word, every life group wasn't going to be centered around the same thing. "I think this one is going to teach you about compassion," he told me. He was right.
• I admitted these struggles to my life group leader (Jessica) as well. Later, our life group came together and decided we needed to make some changes, beginning with prayer and intercession. And wow...God is so faithful - Matthew 18:19.
December
• God broke me in three different ways, showing me that
1- I lack intimacy and love for Him (IPT showed me how prayer led to a personal relationship; 12/6 entry)
2- I am unwilling to lay down my insecurities in order to serve others (12/12 sunday celebration; P. Seth; my GLU parents Jessica and Daron).
3- I had been slowly using the gospel more just as joy in my heart and not as much a means of taking action (spiritual battle; story of Lydia).
Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4
I have been so blessed! Praise the Lord Jesus! :)
-Chris Tomlin
I want to say that 2010 has been the most influential year in my life, by far. I have never gone through so many ups and downs in such a small amount of time.
God is good. These are the highlights from this year:
January
• My parents let me go to winter retreat, and I went with high expectations. None of them were met, and I was so disappointed. I asked myself why this was, why I kept trying so hard to accept Christ, but I just could not. The Sunday morning before we left for home, our church was going to take communion. "If you take it and you are not a believer, you are bringing judgment onto yourself," P. Andrew said, and told us to go up by row. I felt panic; I knew everyone in my row was going to go and that I would be the only one left. I thought everyone would see that I still had not accepted Christ and feel pity for me. Then a thought came to mind: "Why do you always feel so judged? You are so insecure! But if you give your heart to Jesus, He will give you security. The judgment will wash away." I decided to accept Christ and take part in communion. It was out of fear and confusion and not wanting to feel judged, but I told myself it was now or never that I would take this leap of faith.
• Afterwards, I was going to just pretend like nothing happened and keep to myself because my mind was in such disarray about what had happened. But my life group leaders (JSA and Helen) noticed.. and they asked me about it. God used them to keep me accountable.
March
• My faith was so weak, and I did not want to get baptized. Also, I knew that if I were going to, it would be out of selfish motives. I told myself I would get baptized in December instead, to prove to myself that I was doing it not because I loved my life group (lovebeta) but because I loved God. However, Helen encouraged me to take baptism class anyway. I went through crazy spiritual battles but in the end she convinced me to get baptized, asking me, "Why not? If you do it now, satan will have lost you completely."
May
• I lost my relationship with God because He did not give me something I had prayed so hard for. Furthermore, only one sister (Angela) of four from the beginning of summer break was still keeping me accountable on a consistent and personal basis. I was so bitter, but now I am eternally grateful that God kept using her to reach out to me for the rest of the summer. She became the only string left that held me on to God. If it weren't for this, I would have fallen completely away.
September
• By the time school started up again, I was in a deep depression.. One night, I could not sleep at all because I was so filled with suicidal thoughts. Finally after six hours, I got out of bed and just started praying to God because I did not know what else to do. It was a miracle; He placed peace inside my heart and told me I had a purpose- to live out His will. I did not repent for this summer that night or for a while afterwards but He took me back anyway.
• Through reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller and through my new life group (GLU), I finally came to terms with what the gospel was, and how it applied to my life. It changed everything. Thank You Jesus.
November
• There was so much internal conflict I had with my life group.. I was having so much fun but there was no Christ love dwelling in us. I held my bitterness in until I could not stand it anymore, and I confessed to Angela and Katie, both of whom told me to seek the pastors' advice. I ended up talking to P. Seth, who told me that I needed to do a 180 in my expectations because lovebeta and GLU were such opposite extremes. He said just because God used my freshman year life group to stir up a passion for the Word, every life group wasn't going to be centered around the same thing. "I think this one is going to teach you about compassion," he told me. He was right.
• I admitted these struggles to my life group leader (Jessica) as well. Later, our life group came together and decided we needed to make some changes, beginning with prayer and intercession. And wow...God is so faithful - Matthew 18:19.
December
• God broke me in three different ways, showing me that
1- I lack intimacy and love for Him (IPT showed me how prayer led to a personal relationship; 12/6 entry)
2- I am unwilling to lay down my insecurities in order to serve others (12/12 sunday celebration; P. Seth; my GLU parents Jessica and Daron).
3- I had been slowly using the gospel more just as joy in my heart and not as much a means of taking action (spiritual battle; story of Lydia).
Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4
I have been so blessed! Praise the Lord Jesus! :)
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