Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So I have not touched this blog simply because I have forgotten about it. For...a year and a half maybe? How long has it been? I haven't yet gotten the chance to go through these posts and indulge in the nostalgia but I will. Right after I publish this one.

Change is in the air. How many times have I heard this, read it in a book, or been told it by a friend? In that context, is change not constant but only applicable to anticipated milestones or occurrences that make you think "this time, it will really be different?" Oftentimes, we correctly pinpoint specific experiences that really do affect great change in our lives, great enough to validate that quote for the value that it was meant to hold. More than anything though, the greatest changes come from series of small "insignificant" choices that accumulate over months or years until one day, you finally get a chance to sit down and consciously reflect and realize "so that was how I ended up here." In other words, I believe the greatest changes are realized through reflection, not anticipation.

Anyway, I'm not here to make any sort of big statement about change. Nothing I just wrote was anything you haven't heard before. I'm merely here to make a documented promise to myself that I plan on resuming real blogging, in the form of reflective written entries, in anticipation of change (ha! see what I did there?) that I can (hopefully) finally announce on Monday, on my Tumblr (where I will be actively resuming my blogging). If I could be so bold as to add, I would like to encourage my old friends to also find the time to update their own blogs more frequently, whether it's on here or on Tumblr, or anywhere else. Because apparently, the last time that someone I am following on Blogspot posted something was five months ago. I don't even know if anyone else other than me will read this but if you do, please consider rejoining me in publishing your stories. Half of my motivation to write comes from you, because your stories are inspirational to me.

Your friend, 
Cecilia

excerpt from "daffodils"

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils. 

- William Wordsworth (poetic genius)

excerpt from "the love song of j. alfred prufrock"

For I have known them all already, known them all;
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
- T.S. Eliot

coveted

Today, I just watched the very last episode of "Wizards of Waverly Place" today (yes..I am a child). My little sister is in love with it, and in love with Selena Gomez, so when I thought of her, I was reminded of how excited she was to watch it and decided to see it for myself. It premiered last Friday.

Though the script was kind of rushed, the ending really touched me!!! The three siblings were competing to become the family wizard (there can only be one), and in a twist, two of them sacrificed themselves for each other. Because of this, it left me with such a big smile. Weirdly though, it reminded me of this song:



When I watched the music video, I found out that it was about sacrifice too, coincidentally. It makes me so happy that this is one of the few things today that remains so beautiful and coveted. :)

revolt

"(Many students have) either been told or insinuated college was unattainable because of their ethnicity or economic status. Teachers can only do so much. Change media and pop culture, to reflect education as a positive."

When I look at the state of public education today, and then I look at the way it used to be, I die a little. Changing American culture--is this the only way out? If that is the case, we can only remain pessimists. The entire world is trapped in a cycle that is heading into a pitfall of educational and societal poverty. We need a revolution.

awakening

"I am sure all of heaven's heard me cry as I tell You all the reasons why this life is just too hard. But day by day without fail, I'm finding everything I need and everything that You are to me..." "Every Time I Breathe" - Big Daddy Weave

"The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41b, Mark 14:38b

Every time I find I am always scared, afraid to embrace it wholly. He speaks of freedom and of security and of life in Him. And every time I approach it, I hesitate; I can't believe it's real. I'm too closed up to let Him in. There are so many paradoxes in the things people tell me about Him that I leave each moment with doubt in my heart and satan's whispers a little too close to my ear.

I can sing worship songs, give you praise, do good things.. Do these mean anything, God? If I still can't admit the truth and be honest with myself? If I don't let myself be loved?

"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say 'no' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." Titus 2:11-12

At the end of the day, I'm still getting caught in my own traps because my lies are still louder than God's truths. I am not taught. I am not upright. What will it take to pull me up, God? What will it take to make You scream at me, yell at me, throw me around, so that I can finally understand?

blessed

What I love about my life group leader is that he really knows how to console people. His words never equate to “you are the problem..your problems are what cause more problems.” Instead, he tells you, “This is you. This is the problem. You are stronger than it will ever be.” (Even though the first quote is often true, he will never say it. He knows it will not really motivate you at this point. Then he jokes about life and my cooking. Everybody has problems, you know.)

I’m so thankful.

(from ccxlia.tumblr.com)

cinder

When you received your key for ignition

I smoldered and left

To think of one who'd regret -

not I; but you were correct

when you said:

Fan fire into flame.

But fire is greater than a single flame.

Unaffected yet, you stayed the same,

unchanged, until

you lost your keys and withered and wept

Yet still did not turn

me in, instead.

http://slatelywinded.tumblr.com/

after everything

As the smoke clears, I awaken and entangle you from me. Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed? All my windows still are broken, but I'm standing on my feet. -Demi Lovato, "Skyscraper"

i need a sleuth, not a spectator

When I was younger, I read quite an amount of books and watched a lot of (usually indie) films about mentally unstable people. Sometimes I did this while pretending I was actually holed up in a treehouse instead of on a squeaky leather couch. The movies sometimes got a little too crazy but the books always left me feeling empty, because I became obsessed with wanting to friend the crazy protagonist, as God knows my real friends were too normal to pay much understanding to me (I still feel that way sometimes though I'm now therapy-free).

***

I have a lot of bottled-up fears. One day I will stick them in a real bottle and watch them float across the Atlantic Ocean. Then people in Europe or Africa will find them and uncover my fingerprints and travel to America just to cradle me and tell me I'm stronger than these fears. Unless my bottles fail and someone in America finds them and tosses them away. (I'm sorry.) Americans are just not as romantic in my head.

***

Independence Day came and left. I wonder why we've reduced holiday celebrations to days off and fireworks and lots of barbequed food. Or repetitive songs and pretty lights and lots of baked food. Or just simply a lot of food. (With plenty of leftovers). And I don't even know what Labor Day is for anymore.

to you

"During the Great Proletariat Cultural Revolution (1966-76, implemented by Mao Zedong), all traditional religious were destroyed, and many Chinese became atheist. A requirement of joining the Chinese Communist Party is that members cannot be religious."

I'm studying for my Polsci 339 class "China's Evolution Under Communism" exam, and this makes me really sad. This reminds me of home--Shanghai, China. I grew up there under the care of my maternal grandparents. My grandpa used to be in a variety of local government positions and still proudly speaks at the occasional event; I see his pictures in the newspaper every time I visit. He rides his bike every morning to go out with his friends and comes home bringing random snacks for me and my cousin, who stays at my grandparents' during the summer. He really knows how to lead a family, how to speak for his people, how to discipline and how to give.

One thing I always remember about visiting is that my grandpa really likes to wear this blue dress shirt of his with a CCP badge hanging from it. He and my grandma are really proud to be part of the CCP. And my cousin, who is two years younger than me, was an aspiring youth member the last time I talked to her. You can see the love they have for their country and for the party, because it floods out of their enthusiasm with everything party-related they do. While I'm no socialist myself, I grew up under my grandparents' wings, and they have remained my biggest role models. Their love means truckloads to me. Their support is the greatest.

"A requirement of joining the Chinese Communist Party is that members cannot be religious."
"The CCP is the world's largest political party, with 80 million members."

But how can I minister to them? How can anyone minister to any of them?

God, I want to see your heart. All the room you made for your lost people. I want to see it filled.



We speak to nations, be open
We speak to nations, fall on your knees
We speak to nations, the kingdom is coming near to you.

pulse (1)

It was absolutely picture-perfect. The sun in her face was a blinding white that visibly allowed only the toothy smile on her face. It was a remarkably unoriginal effect, that undeniable smile hovering above a light summer dress. She was running slowly too--towards him, for the last time--the pollen floating in the air around her like dancing butterflies. It was all very romantic and sweet, with a backdrop of pretty classical music. Then the camera zoomed in, and that's when you could see, clear as day, the cuts on her arm.

Hannie stood up abruptly. The folding chair she had been sitting on squeaked loudly against the unpolished wood, and everyone looked up nervously in their seats. She ignored them all and swept her gaze across the small auditorium before allowing it to fall on her sister Georgie. Georgie didn't even move, pretending to brush something off her blouse. Hannie gave her the finger and stalked out of the room.

"Hey..hey! HEY!" someone called after her as she flung the bangs out of her face, trying to walk as elegantly as possible. "Come back here! Hey! What the f_ was that?!"
Hannie ignored him and flung the double doors open. The momentum seemed unstoppable. Before she knew it though, the sound of quick footsteps behind her melted into a grabbing of her shoulder, and she was nearly flung backwards.
"HEY!" she hollered back, turning to give the boy a death stare. He was almost a foot taller, however, and she ended up glaring at his collarbone. "Who the hell are you?" she said to it.
"You spoiled the scene!" he huffed at her, cupping her chin and bringing her face up towards his.
She slapped his hand away. "So what? That was a stupid scene. Not to mention an altogether stupid film."
"I'm the freaking writer! I demand an apology!"
Well, you're not getting it, Hannie wanted to say, knowing fully well how cliched this response was, gathered from the many movies and books she had poured over up to that moment. But her face was getting too hot, her vision blurring. She suddenly felt embarrassed. Students were passing by them, whispering and laughing. She didn't realize she had made such a scene.
"Bye," she said instead, quickly pushing the boy away and hightailing it to the nearest women's bathroom. It was only a few yards away, thank goodness. She pushed open the door, briskly glancing back with a fluttering heart, only to find that he had not followed.

She peered into the bathroom mirror. Her cheeks were indeed slightly rosy, and the mascara of one eye was smeared. She grabbed at her side, only to remember that she had forgotten to take her purse out of the auditorium with her.
"Idiot," she whispered to herself and reached into her pocket to pull out a small, pentagon-shaped white tablet. Cupping her hands for water from the sink, she swallowed it and sat on the floor, waiting until the world once again succumbed to peace.

* * *

before i leave

Just once I'd like to know you, with my head and not my heart.

Just once I'd like to hear you say that you are so much more than just this.

Because I don't want to walk away thinking, once again, every time the same thought, "This is all there was to it. This is all there ever will be."

the tank man

This well-known incident always comes up in my comparative politics classes: .

Of all my time learning about China and the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre in middle and high school, our teachers never showed this. I wonder if it’s because this man’s actions were too radical for our young minds. I remember the first time I saw this only last year, I thought it was some crazy old man, and his family running to drag him away before he started doing crazier things. Later, I found out it was a university student. My age.

Talking publicly about the massacre is banned in China. When reporters try to get Chinese residents’ opinions about it, they immediately shake their heads and walk away out of fear. After all, a large protest for democracy is not the coolest thing to do in a repressive, conservative socialist government.

So as the government sent tanks loaded up with ammunition and scary violent equipment to take out these thousands of protestors, the majority being university students, I could never imagine that someone would take this kind of action. To walk out right in front of a loaded army tank and yell and wave your arms around and even climb on top of it…what the heck? Oh my gosh! I would die! This is the most courageous action I’ve ever seen, and to this day, no one has figured out who this guy even is. He must have really been possessed by something powerful. The men in that tank must have been equally bold not to have shot him.

To me, this is the most inspiring kind of human sacrifice. Not sacrificing consciously, so that you can publish your feats in a book later or tell them in a testimony. But courage as a crazy anonymous person, totally on fire for something greater than yourself.

self-righteous

When I was younger, I remember thinking I was always justified when I got bitter at other people. My moods have fluctuated like crazy ever since the depression I suffered years ago but I never blamed myself for them because I told myself I was right anyway. Everyone else was of fault, less good and less understanding.

Matthew 7:3-5
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

I love this passage, and for some reason, this is one of those that more often pops into my head and won't get out. That's how ridiculously self-righteous I am, that God has to remind me of those three verses constantly.

Jessica (my spiritual momma!) probed me today about my decision-making. Why do you always decide based on your emotions? Why do you always let your mood get in the way of obeying God? Don't just dismiss upsetting things as bad things. Lifting burdens from your heart doesn't equate to tossing them away. It means bringing those burdens to God.

She must have talked for about thirty minutes straight. Which breaks her twenty-minute record from fall semester that happened to have taken place at the very same restaurant.
"If only your prayers were that long," I joked after she had finished, and she laughed.
But honestly, I have no doubt her prayers are even longer. And secretly, I wish I could talk that passionately about seeking God, and I wish my prayers were even half as long.

Selfishness is something that I'll never be able to climb out of completely. "Consider the movie of life...From start to finish, this movie is obviously about God. He is the main character," Francis Chan wrote in Crazy Love. I think of it like, what good is it to be cast as an extra in a movie and instead of doing what you're told, you run around rebelling and complaining about the environment, the props, and your fellow extras? In the end, the director will just yell "cut!" and throw you out of his movie. Even though God loves you enough to give you second (and third and fourth) chances, Jessica pointed out: "why would you take advantage of His love (and keep rebelling)?"

But with this in mind, I know I still suck at playing even such a minute role in that movie of life. God, please discipline me in Your love!


(P.S.)


"But the goodness is something you don't have to chase 'cause it's following you."

shelter

I always hear people telling me how easy to see Christians who were churched all their lives as sheltered. With this come harsh comments and "it's so unfair." But I even have agnostic friends who are sheltered this way. Though less so, they're vulnerable to this criticism as well. They get upset over the smallest things. They throw temper tantrums over the most minor details. My roommate says, "They had a relatively decent life. Small things affect them more than they do us."

And who wants to be criticized for something they couldn't have controlled?

But now I also know, how sheltered I am. How I've complained about my insecurities and blamed my mental illnesses to reveal how imperfect I am and be accepted. How much I open up with what I've gone through in order to avoid this judgment and distinguish myself from also being labeled as "sheltered."

Jayesslee sang a cover of "Coming Home" a while back, and they rewrote some of the verses: "we were inspired tell a story of a lost man who had nothing left after wasting his fortune on all the wrong things." A big chunk of what they wrote goes like this:

Wasn't a moment where it was easy
Makin' sure I stayed outta line
Took everything that was mine
But what was even mine to begin with?
Now that I've come to my senses
I now see the answers.

I can only imagine this man as someone who grew up in a wealthy and content background, wasting his life away because he didn't know any better. And now as he approaches the end of it, he sees how stupidly he acted. "But what was even mine to begin with?" God gave him the riches of the world but because he selfishly used it to build a crazy life story for himself instead of for God, he lost everything.

Job once said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away."

So when will people stop criticizing each others' backgrounds and comparing misfortunes? Making sure their testimony is the best so they can avoid labels and wow a bigger audience? God is the only one who sovereignly gives and takes. He is also the one and only Judge.

the jukebox song

smiles so wide
catching the fears
falling from her eyes
lifts up her hands
knows in this mess
she still has defense
the love of her life
'cause she says

"you’re my jukebox song
the one i always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones i love
even when i’m alone
you’re so good to me
that i surely know"

timid not brave
wants to run inside
instead she stays
listening to lies
but heart beats faster
and love grows bolder
calls out to heaven
now unafraid

"you’re my jukebox song
the one i always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones i love
even when i’m alone
you’re so good to me
that i surely know"

he leads the blind, he calms the storm
not even the lost are alone
he hurt more than you, he hurts for you
he sings to you

"i'm your jukebox song
the one you always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones you love
so dance away
you're never alone
your hand i hold
anywhere you go."

glu(e) of His love

Yesterday, I got to catch up with Jessica for our last dinner of the semester. Earlier that day, I had been upset over a variety of things, including her leaving, especially when I finally read my lifegroup leaders' kind goodbye messages, especially when I realized most things they wrote about me didn't apply to the last couple of weeks I've been repeatedly missing and half-missing lifegroup meetings, which just made me bawl all over again. So I felt relieved when she sat down in front of me, all her little quirks and comments putting me right at peace.

"This is our first meeting without me being your leader! Now we're just friends, although we were always friends," she said with a smile, and I just smiled back, shaking my head because although we had officially ended lifegroup, it still didn't feel that way at all. She was still very much both my spiritual mom and friend.

I don't know how to put GLU into an organized collection of words. Freshman year, I let my lifegroup climb up to being a top priority in college, and I spent almost every day and every night with them. The last meeting was very final, and almost every relationship I built in it since that day has quickly slipped away with time. Since then, new extracurriculars have taken emphasis away from church.

The reason I loved GLU was because there was bold acceptance of each others' flaws, and we became so close so naturally. I can honestly say that I see most of these brothers and sisters as friends first, before fellow lifegroup or church members. I don't see the end of lifegroup affecting many of these relationships at all, and I am so grateful for this realization. Oftentimes in church, it's hard to grasp that the people there are human but everyone in GLU never failed to keep it real, and I've never felt as secure in my life as I did being with them.

God. Thank you so much.

P.S. I really love my GLUparents.. that's them being servants in an everyday context by voluntarily cleaning gum off the church carpet hahaha. Reconfirming why they're two of my biggest role models. :)

fall 2011

AHHHHH! Death begins.

the cost of following Jesus

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:57-62

Lord, I desperately, desperately need You.

I miss You. The way the university campus would still survive if Starbucks disappeared one day but would almost be crippled. Coffee runs would just not be the same.

You transformed me inside and out but I feel like everything about me is slowly changing back, to the way it used to be before freshman year of college. The only thing that's stable is my desire to know You more. Then again, that's been a desire since I was seven years old.

I want to love You and serve You with all my heart but.. I suck at academic obstacles. I really, really get shoved down every time I have to face them. The one prayer running through my mind all day is: Let me not idolize these things: my academics and my future. Let me instead use them to glorify You. Let me instead use them as avenues in serving You. Never to choose over You.

This is the vision I got tonight. I'm sitting in an office, working away for my boss. And all of a sudden, I hear His voice, calling me to leave my work and run away from the things I love to do, calling me to chase after Him. "My boss will kill me" - this is the first thought that runs through my mind.

Timidly, I'm going to go up to her and say, "Um...sorry, something just came up. Can I run out for a bit? I promise you I'll finish my work by the deadline. I'm so sorry!"

Or.. am I capable of just walking out of that office and running after God, not having a care in the world about what my boss thinks? Honestly, I'd choose asking my boss first, hands down. If she says, "No what the hell are you thinking?", I'm going to apologize to her, walk right back to my office, and turn God down. Sorry, God. You always wait for me anyway, though, right?

Jeez, girl. Sometimes, I just want to punch myself. Who gave you that very job? Who frickin gave you your gifts and talents?

Who gave you this life?

I have no confidence in the gospel.