to you

"During the Great Proletariat Cultural Revolution (1966-76, implemented by Mao Zedong), all traditional religious were destroyed, and many Chinese became atheist. A requirement of joining the Chinese Communist Party is that members cannot be religious."

I'm studying for my Polsci 339 class "China's Evolution Under Communism" exam, and this makes me really sad. This reminds me of home--Shanghai, China. I grew up there under the care of my maternal grandparents. My grandpa used to be in a variety of local government positions and still proudly speaks at the occasional event; I see his pictures in the newspaper every time I visit. He rides his bike every morning to go out with his friends and comes home bringing random snacks for me and my cousin, who stays at my grandparents' during the summer. He really knows how to lead a family, how to speak for his people, how to discipline and how to give.

One thing I always remember about visiting is that my grandpa really likes to wear this blue dress shirt of his with a CCP badge hanging from it. He and my grandma are really proud to be part of the CCP. And my cousin, who is two years younger than me, was an aspiring youth member the last time I talked to her. You can see the love they have for their country and for the party, because it floods out of their enthusiasm with everything party-related they do. While I'm no socialist myself, I grew up under my grandparents' wings, and they have remained my biggest role models. Their love means truckloads to me. Their support is the greatest.

"A requirement of joining the Chinese Communist Party is that members cannot be religious."
"The CCP is the world's largest political party, with 80 million members."

But how can I minister to them? How can anyone minister to any of them?

God, I want to see your heart. All the room you made for your lost people. I want to see it filled.



We speak to nations, be open
We speak to nations, fall on your knees
We speak to nations, the kingdom is coming near to you.

pulse (1)

It was absolutely picture-perfect. The sun in her face was a blinding white that visibly allowed only the toothy smile on her face. It was a remarkably unoriginal effect, that undeniable smile hovering above a light summer dress. She was running slowly too--towards him, for the last time--the pollen floating in the air around her like dancing butterflies. It was all very romantic and sweet, with a backdrop of pretty classical music. Then the camera zoomed in, and that's when you could see, clear as day, the cuts on her arm.

Hannie stood up abruptly. The folding chair she had been sitting on squeaked loudly against the unpolished wood, and everyone looked up nervously in their seats. She ignored them all and swept her gaze across the small auditorium before allowing it to fall on her sister Georgie. Georgie didn't even move, pretending to brush something off her blouse. Hannie gave her the finger and stalked out of the room.

"Hey..hey! HEY!" someone called after her as she flung the bangs out of her face, trying to walk as elegantly as possible. "Come back here! Hey! What the f_ was that?!"
Hannie ignored him and flung the double doors open. The momentum seemed unstoppable. Before she knew it though, the sound of quick footsteps behind her melted into a grabbing of her shoulder, and she was nearly flung backwards.
"HEY!" she hollered back, turning to give the boy a death stare. He was almost a foot taller, however, and she ended up glaring at his collarbone. "Who the hell are you?" she said to it.
"You spoiled the scene!" he huffed at her, cupping her chin and bringing her face up towards his.
She slapped his hand away. "So what? That was a stupid scene. Not to mention an altogether stupid film."
"I'm the freaking writer! I demand an apology!"
Well, you're not getting it, Hannie wanted to say, knowing fully well how cliched this response was, gathered from the many movies and books she had poured over up to that moment. But her face was getting too hot, her vision blurring. She suddenly felt embarrassed. Students were passing by them, whispering and laughing. She didn't realize she had made such a scene.
"Bye," she said instead, quickly pushing the boy away and hightailing it to the nearest women's bathroom. It was only a few yards away, thank goodness. She pushed open the door, briskly glancing back with a fluttering heart, only to find that he had not followed.

She peered into the bathroom mirror. Her cheeks were indeed slightly rosy, and the mascara of one eye was smeared. She grabbed at her side, only to remember that she had forgotten to take her purse out of the auditorium with her.
"Idiot," she whispered to herself and reached into her pocket to pull out a small, pentagon-shaped white tablet. Cupping her hands for water from the sink, she swallowed it and sat on the floor, waiting until the world once again succumbed to peace.

* * *

before i leave

Just once I'd like to know you, with my head and not my heart.

Just once I'd like to hear you say that you are so much more than just this.

Because I don't want to walk away thinking, once again, every time the same thought, "This is all there was to it. This is all there ever will be."