the jukebox song

smiles so wide
catching the fears
falling from her eyes
lifts up her hands
knows in this mess
she still has defense
the love of her life
'cause she says

"you’re my jukebox song
the one i always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones i love
even when i’m alone
you’re so good to me
that i surely know"

timid not brave
wants to run inside
instead she stays
listening to lies
but heart beats faster
and love grows bolder
calls out to heaven
now unafraid

"you’re my jukebox song
the one i always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones i love
even when i’m alone
you’re so good to me
that i surely know"

he leads the blind, he calms the storm
not even the lost are alone
he hurt more than you, he hurts for you
he sings to you

"i'm your jukebox song
the one you always play
dancing in a crowd
and with the ones you love
so dance away
you're never alone
your hand i hold
anywhere you go."

glu(e) of His love

Yesterday, I got to catch up with Jessica for our last dinner of the semester. Earlier that day, I had been upset over a variety of things, including her leaving, especially when I finally read my lifegroup leaders' kind goodbye messages, especially when I realized most things they wrote about me didn't apply to the last couple of weeks I've been repeatedly missing and half-missing lifegroup meetings, which just made me bawl all over again. So I felt relieved when she sat down in front of me, all her little quirks and comments putting me right at peace.

"This is our first meeting without me being your leader! Now we're just friends, although we were always friends," she said with a smile, and I just smiled back, shaking my head because although we had officially ended lifegroup, it still didn't feel that way at all. She was still very much both my spiritual mom and friend.

I don't know how to put GLU into an organized collection of words. Freshman year, I let my lifegroup climb up to being a top priority in college, and I spent almost every day and every night with them. The last meeting was very final, and almost every relationship I built in it since that day has quickly slipped away with time. Since then, new extracurriculars have taken emphasis away from church.

The reason I loved GLU was because there was bold acceptance of each others' flaws, and we became so close so naturally. I can honestly say that I see most of these brothers and sisters as friends first, before fellow lifegroup or church members. I don't see the end of lifegroup affecting many of these relationships at all, and I am so grateful for this realization. Oftentimes in church, it's hard to grasp that the people there are human but everyone in GLU never failed to keep it real, and I've never felt as secure in my life as I did being with them.

God. Thank you so much.

P.S. I really love my GLUparents.. that's them being servants in an everyday context by voluntarily cleaning gum off the church carpet hahaha. Reconfirming why they're two of my biggest role models. :)

fall 2011

AHHHHH! Death begins.

the cost of following Jesus

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:57-62

Lord, I desperately, desperately need You.

I miss You. The way the university campus would still survive if Starbucks disappeared one day but would almost be crippled. Coffee runs would just not be the same.

You transformed me inside and out but I feel like everything about me is slowly changing back, to the way it used to be before freshman year of college. The only thing that's stable is my desire to know You more. Then again, that's been a desire since I was seven years old.

I want to love You and serve You with all my heart but.. I suck at academic obstacles. I really, really get shoved down every time I have to face them. The one prayer running through my mind all day is: Let me not idolize these things: my academics and my future. Let me instead use them to glorify You. Let me instead use them as avenues in serving You. Never to choose over You.

This is the vision I got tonight. I'm sitting in an office, working away for my boss. And all of a sudden, I hear His voice, calling me to leave my work and run away from the things I love to do, calling me to chase after Him. "My boss will kill me" - this is the first thought that runs through my mind.

Timidly, I'm going to go up to her and say, "Um...sorry, something just came up. Can I run out for a bit? I promise you I'll finish my work by the deadline. I'm so sorry!"

Or.. am I capable of just walking out of that office and running after God, not having a care in the world about what my boss thinks? Honestly, I'd choose asking my boss first, hands down. If she says, "No what the hell are you thinking?", I'm going to apologize to her, walk right back to my office, and turn God down. Sorry, God. You always wait for me anyway, though, right?

Jeez, girl. Sometimes, I just want to punch myself. Who gave you that very job? Who frickin gave you your gifts and talents?

Who gave you this life?

I have no confidence in the gospel.

push

why can't people just stop hurting me..

i'd rather that they leave than try to make up only to hurt me again..

i will never understand how God endures it all.