john 4:13-14

satan whispering words in my ear, and I mistake them for my own.

when I cup my hands together, there exists invisible, living water. unlike the water of this world, which seeps through the gaps between my fingers regardless of how tightly I hold them together, my Father's living water will stay in my hands forever, unless I let it go.

one year of transformation (so far)

January 17, 2010. :)

life story

Writing is so pretty. My Sweetland professor assigned us to read some "writers on writing" articles. I went one after the other, wondering how the next one could possibly beat out the current one, and they just blew my mind away.

Alice Hoffman said in her article that "an insightful, experienced oncologist told me that cancer need not be a person's whole book, only a chapter. Still, novelists know that some chapters inform all others." I don't know if I live my life that way; when I look back on it now, I don't see chapters but specific people, vivid events. I'm fond of the memory of one of the people I admire, telling me how sincerely happy [they] were with the choice I made and inviting me to never back down again. I struggle to admit to the bullying I endured in ninth grade, and the vengeance that led to life change in tenth. There's no doubt that these memories have already been unintentionally altered in my mind though. "We...invent surrogate memories the better to make sense of our lives and live the life we know was truly ours...to see it as we wish others might see it" (Andre Aciman). So desirous to conform to others' judgment, in order to please ourselves sometimes.

In addition to natural insecurity, living with illness is not easy. I can gratefully testify to the load that has been taken off my heart since having been changed by the grace and love of God. The weakness is still there but I've learned to embrace the rawness of hope beyond simply struggling through. Hoffman says "ill people become more themselves, as if once the excess was stripped away only the truest core of themselves remained." This is justifiable to an extent: oftentimes illness wears away our tolerance and brings out our worst. My life group leader pointed out that when we face a challenging situation and act irresponsibly, the blame is not on the situation. Rather, we had that sin all along but did not actively recognize it until the obstacle came about and we were able to witness our reaction to it.

As a writer, I'm still unsure about my writing style, how to find it, and what I want to do if or when I ever find it. I wish I could be like one of the women novelist Sara Paretsky mentioned in her article, who "never thought that a book could tell them something about their lives until they read one of [hers]." And what does she write about? Stories that "are almost always those of voiceless people, not those of the powerful." This reminded me of the stories God writes, whether in the Bible or in testimonies. Once we were voiceless and hopeless, until He stepped in and we started living lives worth being heard.

"If a master storyteller like Dickens could find his most compelling stories within that landscape [of suffering], who am I to turn away from it?" (Paretsky). I want my story to be of fearlessness too. Despite the sins, sickness, voicelessness, and all other odds of this personal landscape, I want to willingly glorify God and I want that for you too.

thank you

I miss GLU so much my heart hurts..

One year ago, I prayed for a big and loving second-year lifegroup family that would embrace each other wholly and freely. I was so excited but so scared that God would give me the opposite..He did not and now it's become clear that He gave me so much more than what I asked for. I cannot believe how much He blessed me! I am really speechless. Not one second goes by that I am not thankful for GLU.

I am a wreck but God's love always carries me through. My lifegroup reminds me every single day.

Thank you.